So heres a video that I havent seen in a while. I looked it up on you tube arbitrarily and was very surprised to see not only this version, but new versions with the same song but updated animation. I enjoyed some of them but honestly this video came out on new grounds like 6 years ago or so and I prefer to post the original I grew up with just for the fact that all these years later its not half bad. See for yourself!
Friday, December 28, 2007
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Portal Lego!
Saw this and had to make a short post. Hope all is well with everyone. Merry Xmas! Happy New Year! And all that stuff. Peace.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Merry Xmas from the Crows!
Merry Xmas everyone! Im sorry I couldnt get yall some super duper crazy gifts or anything but I honestly believe in my heart that we all dont care about those things. Thats why you guys are my best friends! I cherish you all (yes you to Dan) and Im so glad to be able to share my time, even virtually, with some of the best fucking players the world of gaming has ever seen! What we lack in skill we make up for in logic, daring, and heart. I know I can be cold at times, even though I wear my heart on my sleeve that doesnt mean that Im usually cheery or warm. But I think you all know deep in my heart how I feel about everyone, and how much I would be willing to give if I thought yall needed it. I think that this time of year really is about Love, after all its the day to remember the living Christ and for believers there is no better example of Gods own love for us all than the symbol of him sending us a Light in the dark to help guide us back to the Kingdom. So as for love my life is abundant with the good wishes and energy of many many great people. So for that, no matter whats going on in my personal or social life, or my work life, but simply for the love, I am most appreciative and honored to be alive so that I can experience it. I hope with this post to send you all a little of that love back. Even if I dont always say it, I really do love you all, and without you all in my life I think I would not be as strong a man as I am. I never could have imagined in my wildest dreams how much moving to the Bay area would affect me. If I would have known I may not have moved...haha......but when its all said and done I know now that my path could not have been complete without the portion that fell on the Bay, and more importantly, without the friends I formed I would not be ready to face the future with hope and excitement! I just can not wait to see what we all have in store for us in the future, heres to the next year, to all the years to come that we will share together, climbing mountains, in and out of games, until we reach the top. Everest. Ok maybe not Everest, but I hear that theres a cool mountain right next to it that not nearly as many people die on! Merry Christmas yall, Ill be in big bear on the 25th so I wont be able to post. May the light and love of Him be with us all on that day, on this day, and every day that the Sun shines and beyond.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
More TF2 griefing....
This one is a lot more entertaining than the last grief post. Especially now that we've all been engineers, you can have new found appreciation for the trust people put in you and where that teleporter is headed...
Make sure to stick around for the TF2 spawn-point trivia challenge, and take note that people eventually start playing along =)
Friday, December 21, 2007
Look, I went to Vista too! (for two days... shh..)
Sydny Fujita
August 26, 2007
English 10A
About twenty-five years ago, a name was chosen, and I was born and given to it. I don’t know how or why my parents picked that particular name, but it had nothing to do with me. It served its purpose, more or less. I knew when people were talking to me. I could identify myself on my homework papers. But it always fit like an uncomfortable shoe, too big in some places, too small in others. When someone called my name, there was always a bit of a delay before I realized that yes, this person meant me.
Thirteen years later, I chose a new name. The name I took belonged to a horse I rode once in a park. I didn’t initially intend to keep it, but after a while, I realized that it seemed to fit. That in my own mind, this was something I could call myself. This was a strange realization to me, who had always to myself been the thinker, the knower, the one who is me, without any other label. To name something is to give it power; to name something is to gain power over it. What then of naming myself?
I will be twenty six next year. I wonder if I will pick a new name for the next thirteen years of my life. I wonder what it will be.
(The assignment was "write something about your name." This is the only homework I've done in the last 3 and a half years hehe.)
August 26, 2007
English 10A
About twenty-five years ago, a name was chosen, and I was born and given to it. I don’t know how or why my parents picked that particular name, but it had nothing to do with me. It served its purpose, more or less. I knew when people were talking to me. I could identify myself on my homework papers. But it always fit like an uncomfortable shoe, too big in some places, too small in others. When someone called my name, there was always a bit of a delay before I realized that yes, this person meant me.
Thirteen years later, I chose a new name. The name I took belonged to a horse I rode once in a park. I didn’t initially intend to keep it, but after a while, I realized that it seemed to fit. That in my own mind, this was something I could call myself. This was a strange realization to me, who had always to myself been the thinker, the knower, the one who is me, without any other label. To name something is to give it power; to name something is to gain power over it. What then of naming myself?
I will be twenty six next year. I wonder if I will pick a new name for the next thirteen years of my life. I wonder what it will be.
(The assignment was "write something about your name." This is the only homework I've done in the last 3 and a half years hehe.)
Have You Seen this Man? PART 2
This japanese, pirate, former yakuza, bike riding, booze drinking, mad man is wanted in connection to Mr Watanabe. It is suspected that he was the middle man for Mr Watanabe and the Japan branch of the Marmot Yakuza. He's seen here disguised as his hero Captain Jacked Sparrow. His whereabouts are unknown but he was last seen in the Saitama Prefecture city of Kawaguichi. The intelligence gained from apprehending this man would be invaluable; if seen approach with caution and carry large quantities of alcohol to subdue him. One lead will help us take down Mr Watanabe, previous intel is below.
he strikes again beware
update sighting
this goes out to all you codemonkeys out there
I classify this as a yellow threat because you my want to quit your job after hearing it, and if not that, you wont be able to get the following lines out of your head for days:
"Code monkey like fritos, code monkey like tab and mountain dew..."
One of my favorite Jonathan Coulton songs...thats right, in the span of a week I've got favorites.
I can really relate to this song...and it makes me want to quit and pursue a life of eating coffee cakes and taking naps.
Anyways, I prefer the video above, but the following WoW machinima does a good job as well. And I like the gorilla, even though it's not a monkey..are there monkeys in wow? hmmm...
good luck all!
"Code monkey like fritos, code monkey like tab and mountain dew..."
One of my favorite Jonathan Coulton songs...thats right, in the span of a week I've got favorites.
I can really relate to this song...and it makes me want to quit and pursue a life of eating coffee cakes and taking naps.
Anyways, I prefer the video above, but the following WoW machinima does a good job as well. And I like the gorilla, even though it's not a monkey..are there monkeys in wow? hmmm...
good luck all!
Pride and Prejudice
Well I have finally finished part I. I looked online and it seems there is no difference in the presentation of my copy accept for the lacking of the 3 part division. I just finished part 1. What a great book so far! When I first began reading the book I thought I would be finished in no time because it didnt look very long and the text is mostly dialog. However, the deeper I get into the novel the harder it is read it lightly. Its not an easy read for me at all. Ive read much harder in terms of vocabulary that is difficult to comprehend, or diction (Mirkami) that is hard to follow. But this book its just the context thats hard to swallow. I find myself finishing a page and than wondering, what the fuck did I just read. No determent to the story, its just a serious read, and not what I was anticipating. All the true "power" of the story is understated, its subtle, and it takes a keen eye to see it. The little phrases that characters spit out so effortlessly reveal endless clues into their true disposition and thats where the fun of the novel is. Its trying to figure out just exactly how the characters "really" feel about whats going on around them, and to go one step further, the dialog of the characters helps to reveal what type of characters they really are and without pausing and giving a second glance to the quotes one might not get on first glance that Mr. Bennett is a genius and that he shrewdly holds the control on his family, not the mother. You might not get that Mary is a bitch, shes cold and flat, and thinks far too much of herself. You might not get that Jane is well, not dumb, but naive, and incapable of thinking ill things of people she has just met. Im sure that with a cursory glance at the storyline someone of relative intelligence could discern one or more of those facts, but to really get all of the details and to understand them it takes a careful reader to examine the most simple of 5 word responses that they tend to give (I have yet to read their dialog where anyone goes on for more than a sentence, it tends to be filled with one liners) than they may just miss the whole story. Me being the type of reader that I am I am fascinated with the characters and I really want to get a sense for "who they are" rather how Austin wanted them to be represented, and for what reasons (what type of people do they represent, what statements is she making about society, etc etc). In short its rich, its funny, but to me, its not light. Thus finishing the rest of the book may take me more time than I initially thought. If I wasnt playing 5 video games and reading 5 books than it would be an easier task. Haha. However, Ive bumped its status up to being my number 1 read and I have put almost all texts on the side until I finish this book. Its lovely, engaging, witty, but to me, its taxing to step into this little world so far removed from my own, it should be interesting to see what I get out of this book when Im finished with it because it already has made me think so much about so many things that I have taken for granted. Please feel free to leave any comments on this post regarding the first part of the book. No need to spoil, just flip through the book and make sure any comment you make relates to the first part. Or simply ignore this and have a great day! Either is acceptable to me. Happy Friday all maybe we can play Warcraft later? Its what all the civilized people in our society do to show off their skills so that they may later attain a wife. Or perhaps thats just the book speaking. Peace!
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Hellgate Beta
Yo! I am ticked right now. Last night when I was about to zone into Charing Cross Station the game told me it had network errors and than kicked me. That would not be a big deal accept for that Charing Cross Station takes 3 zones to get to from the current station that I am at (Covent Garden Station) and 3 zones can be time consuming with all the random wacking and trying not die and what not. (plus I havent upgraded my run skill has anyone?). So no big deal I was tired so I quit and went to sleep. Than this morning I tried to make another run for it and I after trekking my ass about 40 mins into the game and all the way across 3 zones guess what, Network error, and I get kicked right as Im supposed to zone into Charing Cross Station. Has this happened to anyone else? Is anyone else currently in Charing Cross Station who might be able to inform me if the whole zone is down for the moment. Or is Hellgate just a big piece of shit? Is there anything I can do about it? Am I doomed to just play each character up to lvl 10? Any advice would be helpful but for now I guess its all about WoW and TF2. Hope everyone else is having more eventful video game experiences. Peace.
Merry Chirstmas from Chiron Beta Prime
Jonathan Coulton, the guy who wrote the "Still Alive" song...yeah, turns out he did an experiment last year where he created and released a song online, one a week, for a year. Crazy bastard. Turn's out he's big on the net, and I can say, I like a lot of his songs. He also gets a brownie point for being a sagittarian.
There are better machinima (for his songs) than the one I'm posting, he also has better songs in general, but I figure this goes with the xmas time of year...and you get a sense of his style...which is pretty entertaining.
Now back to mining for my robot overlords, did I say overlords? I meant protectors!
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Great News! Unrelated Picture!
So not sure how much you guys have been following this, but Chris Dodd was able to filibuster the new FISA bill that would give ATT and other big telecoms retroactive immunity from their BREAKING THE LAW and helping out bush & co with their illegal wiretapping. The bill has currently been tabled and will be brought back before congress in a month, when hopefully Dodd will have help from the lame ass democrats that wouldn't leave their campaigning to go make a difference.
Undie Run update...
I recently posted about UCLA's "Undie Run." And made mention of the fact that I was glad UCLA did this, and NOT Berkeley because those that shouldn't would, and those that REALLY shouldn't would just get naked...
Well it turns out Berkeley has the "Main Stack Streakers." I guess YouTube pulled this semester's vid, so the Daily Cal posted last semester's vid...regardless, I don't think I've ever had better confirmation for my suspicions. Allow me to explain. This video is litterally a bunch of pale, unfit, and questionably alumni people running in a library...in the nude....
No need to watch the vid, not very exciting, I'm posting this more because I knew Berkeley would do it this way, and it's almost sad to see I was right...
I classify this as a RED threat. That's right, a RED threat....just like I thought I would...It aint 2girls, but might as well be....
Why does berkeley have to do everything I would expect of them....EVERYTHING....
Well it turns out Berkeley has the "Main Stack Streakers." I guess YouTube pulled this semester's vid, so the Daily Cal posted last semester's vid...regardless, I don't think I've ever had better confirmation for my suspicions. Allow me to explain. This video is litterally a bunch of pale, unfit, and questionably alumni people running in a library...in the nude....
No need to watch the vid, not very exciting, I'm posting this more because I knew Berkeley would do it this way, and it's almost sad to see I was right...
I classify this as a RED threat. That's right, a RED threat....just like I thought I would...It aint 2girls, but might as well be....
Why does berkeley have to do everything I would expect of them....EVERYTHING....
Monday, December 17, 2007
Unidentified Swirling Object
Can we really say it's flying? It's a crazy swirl in the sky. Some people were saying that it's prolly a missile launching, but who cares? Looks neat to me.
Rodents of Unusual Size
An expedition in Indonesia just discovered a new species of giant rat. Not quite worthy of the fire swamps, but I'd still take one. They look pretty huggable.
Thaks to all!
It was a very successful mission. Thanks for everyones patience while Lorenzo operated. It was well worth the wait for me because my computer is now playing games better than ever before. Hellgate London is amazing! Very fun, more or less feels like Diablo 3. Id like to say more but the game is calling me back so I must cut this short. Thanks for all the generosity and good times. I cant wait to see you all again soon. Peace!
I'm making a note here...
HUGE SUCCESS!
It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.
Cup Community.
We do what we must, because we can.
When the weekend is done we make a neat mug, for the people who survived steve's party.
Oh, well, for some reason instead of sleeping last night after driving for five hours I decided to play Portal...4 hours later, I was done and VERY satisfied!
This is the first game I've beaten in a long time, it was short, but oh so fun.
The perfect way to cap off such an awesome weekend.
Anyways, I'm now in the know of "Still Alive" and am surprised how much I DIDN"T spoil for myself regardless of all the gaming news I read/listen to.
I just wanted to post this vid of Jonathan Coulton (the "still alive" song writer) singing the song.
And if you're really a fan of the song, here's an interview with the guy.
Now think of all the things we learned for the people who are still alive.
Ahhh, there is research to be done....(more like work...but kind of like research...)
Thanks for the weekend everyone!
It also just occured to me, we never ate cake...Steve, you lied...that makes you GL@DOS.
It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.
Cup Community.
We do what we must, because we can.
When the weekend is done we make a neat mug, for the people who survived steve's party.
Oh, well, for some reason instead of sleeping last night after driving for five hours I decided to play Portal...4 hours later, I was done and VERY satisfied!
This is the first game I've beaten in a long time, it was short, but oh so fun.
The perfect way to cap off such an awesome weekend.
Anyways, I'm now in the know of "Still Alive" and am surprised how much I DIDN"T spoil for myself regardless of all the gaming news I read/listen to.
I just wanted to post this vid of Jonathan Coulton (the "still alive" song writer) singing the song.
And if you're really a fan of the song, here's an interview with the guy.
Now think of all the things we learned for the people who are still alive.
Ahhh, there is research to be done....(more like work...but kind of like research...)
Thanks for the weekend everyone!
It also just occured to me, we never ate cake...Steve, you lied...that makes you GL@DOS.
Friday, December 14, 2007
What I did last night instead of sleeping
So last night I think I got two hours of sleep. At the most. I'm going to pretend it was two hours because that will make me feel better. For a while I was quasi-asleep having a weird dream thing that was a combination of Fire Emblem and Warcraft, which didn't really make sense, and it was annoying me because my spells weren't working. (my dreams from the night before were much better: hiding on the piano [we have no piano] from the shark-whale-thing that was swimming around the living room, and buffalo races [sadly, mine was the slow buffalo]) Anyway, once I got sick of that, I figured I'd bore myself to sleep trying to learn Japanese vocabulary, but that didn't work. I'm not sure I learned anything either. Then I tried to bore myself to sleep reading Ron's old archeology textbook, and I guess that eventually worked (or the fact that it was about 6 am). And somewhere in between, I got the theme song to Ernest Rides Again stuck in my head, but I only remember a little of it, so now it's driving me crazy.
..To some he's just a man, but to others he's a beacon (I used to think they said bacon hehe)
he sends his mother cash and he calls her every weekend
whimsical and mellow, a hail and hearty fellow
not formal, not normal
There once was a man named Warrell, Ernest P Warrell...
And then there's about 5 more minutes of it, so if anyone knows the rest, tell me before I go crazy.
..To some he's just a man, but to others he's a beacon (I used to think they said bacon hehe)
he sends his mother cash and he calls her every weekend
whimsical and mellow, a hail and hearty fellow
not formal, not normal
There once was a man named Warrell, Ernest P Warrell...
And then there's about 5 more minutes of it, so if anyone knows the rest, tell me before I go crazy.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
For What's eyes only...(not really..)
Hopefully SponWhat checks in every now and again. I'm sure he could use the break.
Well, how do I put this....it turns out UCLA has an quarterly "Undie Run". Where all the college kids run around in their undies. All I have to say is that I'm SOOOO glad UCLA does this, and NOT Berkeley. I know if Berkeley did it all the wrong people would be in their undies and to add to that, all the people that REALLY SHOULDN"T do it would get nude. Trips me out that this seems pretty big and seems to be a recurring event...crazy college kids...
NSFW btw, yellow threat for sexually explicit material.
It's just crazy to me, one of those things that sounds great...but I'm sure in reality is full of discomfort and emotional turbulence. Regardless, I have a feeling the Love parade What, Moose, and Cyrusse went to was 100% crazier.
Well, how do I put this....it turns out UCLA has an quarterly "Undie Run". Where all the college kids run around in their undies. All I have to say is that I'm SOOOO glad UCLA does this, and NOT Berkeley. I know if Berkeley did it all the wrong people would be in their undies and to add to that, all the people that REALLY SHOULDN"T do it would get nude. Trips me out that this seems pretty big and seems to be a recurring event...crazy college kids...
NSFW btw, yellow threat for sexually explicit material.
It's just crazy to me, one of those things that sounds great...but I'm sure in reality is full of discomfort and emotional turbulence. Regardless, I have a feeling the Love parade What, Moose, and Cyrusse went to was 100% crazier.
I love cats...
The posture, complacency, and sheer level of attitude at being filmed make this a great cat vid. I classify this a green NSFW vid, because I guarantee you'll sniker...and totally give away the fact that you aint working.
interesting game news.
I'm sure some of you will have read these, they're nothing too special but confirmation of a couple of things.
1) Bliz has confirmed they are indeed developing a "Nex-gen MMO". (Kotaku)
2) Valve has confirmed, aside from Episode 3, a completely new Half Life 3 is also in the works.
None of this is entirely new, Bliz has always mentioned they have another project in the works. But we've never had confirmation that it was indeed a next gen mmo. I'm torn here. I would love nothing more than a new Diablo, and the author of the recent books has said quite openly that he's not writing for a dead IP. But, I must admit, I would love for Bliz to create a whole new franchise.
HL3, I think everyones on board with that! Hopefully it'll be out before 2012! Now I just need to finish HL2, Ep1, and Ep2!
And for SponWhat, if you're reading, which I don't entirely expect but all I can say is I feel you're pain...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE: Surfer Girl speaks about coming bliz mmo, says no new IP, Demons!
Why does Surfer Girl's opinion count? While quite secretive, this tipster has been on the money quite a bit regarding some of the most interesting news leaks. I think it's a pretty safe bet that soon we'll hear an announcement for a new Diablo-centric MMO. Some would say WoW has everything you'll want in a new MMO, but I would beg to differ. The diablo universe captured my imagination in a way that NO warcraft game ever did. On top of that, it was the grandaddy of wow. It's only fitting that WoW's success would funnel back into Diablo.
There's something about fighting the more Christian themed demons of Diablo as opposed to the infernals in WoW. I always like the DARK aspect of diablo, WoW seems so much lighter. I hope they don't lighten it up to appeal to the masses that have grown to love WoW's lighter nature.
1) Bliz has confirmed they are indeed developing a "Nex-gen MMO". (Kotaku)
2) Valve has confirmed, aside from Episode 3, a completely new Half Life 3 is also in the works.
None of this is entirely new, Bliz has always mentioned they have another project in the works. But we've never had confirmation that it was indeed a next gen mmo. I'm torn here. I would love nothing more than a new Diablo, and the author of the recent books has said quite openly that he's not writing for a dead IP. But, I must admit, I would love for Bliz to create a whole new franchise.
HL3, I think everyones on board with that! Hopefully it'll be out before 2012! Now I just need to finish HL2, Ep1, and Ep2!
And for SponWhat, if you're reading, which I don't entirely expect but all I can say is I feel you're pain...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE: Surfer Girl speaks about coming bliz mmo, says no new IP, Demons!
Why does Surfer Girl's opinion count? While quite secretive, this tipster has been on the money quite a bit regarding some of the most interesting news leaks. I think it's a pretty safe bet that soon we'll hear an announcement for a new Diablo-centric MMO. Some would say WoW has everything you'll want in a new MMO, but I would beg to differ. The diablo universe captured my imagination in a way that NO warcraft game ever did. On top of that, it was the grandaddy of wow. It's only fitting that WoW's success would funnel back into Diablo.
There's something about fighting the more Christian themed demons of Diablo as opposed to the infernals in WoW. I always like the DARK aspect of diablo, WoW seems so much lighter. I hope they don't lighten it up to appeal to the masses that have grown to love WoW's lighter nature.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Led Zeppelin Reunion tour footage
I am also the bringer of light...(we all are, we're all also bringers of darkness, but thats a different story...)
[edit: vid go bye bye, hope someone other than me saw it...]
Led Zeppelin Stairway to Heaven footage, from 07, yeah, this is from their recent reunion tour.
The sound blows (it's just a small mic from a DV camera probably), but I think any fan can appreciate it regardless. I think they've aged quite well.
Also, here's a small clip of the well aged band playing Black Dog.
Thats it. No other links...
wait...
-------------------------------------------------------
update: Here's a link to an article on this whole reunion thing.
-------------------------------------------------------
update 2 apparently it actually took place Dec. 10th. Here's a more recent article about the actual concert and how the band is pretty set on it being a one time benefit gig.
[edit: vid go bye bye, hope someone other than me saw it...]
Led Zeppelin Stairway to Heaven footage, from 07, yeah, this is from their recent reunion tour.
The sound blows (it's just a small mic from a DV camera probably), but I think any fan can appreciate it regardless. I think they've aged quite well.
Also, here's a small clip of the well aged band playing Black Dog.
Thats it. No other links...
wait...
-------------------------------------------------------
update: Here's a link to an article on this whole reunion thing.
-------------------------------------------------------
update 2 apparently it actually took place Dec. 10th. Here's a more recent article about the actual concert and how the band is pretty set on it being a one time benefit gig.
Freaking Insane!
So this guy takes a wiimote and a laptop and makes devices that would normally cost you many many thousands of dollars. One of us has to make this magic happen. This is just too crazy.
It's coming...
I am the bringer of darkness...
A' la MTGSalvation, the Morningtide spoiler has begun. What that? Well, it's a list of Magic cards like the one I sent out for Lorwyn. So far, there are four, they don't all have pics but all the necessary info is there. I think they'll update it daily, but not 100% sure, it's also not a bad idea to look at them over time so that when it's time to draft you will be "in the know."
Now that wasn't so dark, was it?
NO! THIS IS!
[note: not even close to the 2girls post, maybe as traumatic as the dog-boy rape...just pics too, NSFW btw.]
A' la MTGSalvation, the Morningtide spoiler has begun. What that? Well, it's a list of Magic cards like the one I sent out for Lorwyn. So far, there are four, they don't all have pics but all the necessary info is there. I think they'll update it daily, but not 100% sure, it's also not a bad idea to look at them over time so that when it's time to draft you will be "in the know."
Now that wasn't so dark, was it?
NO! THIS IS!
[note: not even close to the 2girls post, maybe as traumatic as the dog-boy rape...just pics too, NSFW btw.]
Monday, December 10, 2007
Furries for Cyrusse
"An "extraordinary" desert creature has been caught on camera for what scientists believe is the first time."
The article comes from the BBC. It's a long-eared jerboa and can be found in mongolia and china (so says the article).
Enjoy your new furry!
[edit: I actually came upon this while searching for something at work. Honestly...on it's own it's cool, in context...meh.
Team Fortress 2 statistics breakdown, and some other stuff
Valve has released a nice little statistical breakdown of all the classes, as well as "heat-maps" which detail where the most deaths occur on the maps. I got this info from Rock, Paper, Shotgun.
Enjoy!
Also, the weekend with seeing the Dead Sea Scrolls with Crow, the family, and my sister's friends was F*^&ing amazing! The best description, "A beautiful weekend." Expect some pics and yakuza madness over the next couple of days. And although I drove LIKE A MADMAN I'm still excited to drive down next weekend. It'll be good times!
[edit: just wanted to put the call out for any potential TF2 players this evening. I'm thinking around nine or ten, just for an hour or two. I'm flexible, just call if you prefer earlier or later. Hey, maybe we can start trying to organize WoW nights with the blog. This week looks bad as I've got a crap-load of stuff to do before heading out of town again. Next week seems fairly free...think about it. k? you thinking? k' bye now.]
Enjoy!
Also, the weekend with seeing the Dead Sea Scrolls with Crow, the family, and my sister's friends was F*^&ing amazing! The best description, "A beautiful weekend." Expect some pics and yakuza madness over the next couple of days. And although I drove LIKE A MADMAN I'm still excited to drive down next weekend. It'll be good times!
[edit: just wanted to put the call out for any potential TF2 players this evening. I'm thinking around nine or ten, just for an hour or two. I'm flexible, just call if you prefer earlier or later. Hey, maybe we can start trying to organize WoW nights with the blog. This week looks bad as I've got a crap-load of stuff to do before heading out of town again. Next week seems fairly free...think about it. k? you thinking? k' bye now.]
Friday, December 7, 2007
Ode to the Platypus Brigade!
When I was young I met a man named Lorigga
How old he was nobody could figure
You may have heard told
Of Goliath the bold
But in my eye Lorrigga is bigger
He was happy and free like a young goose
He was world renown
For his gentle kind soul
But in traffic the obscenities were flung loose
Her wisdom as ancient as the Osirus
She became my sensei
In all manner of war play
And her deeds will be recorded on papyrus
Cyrusse brought me to SpontaneousWhat.
An appropriate name for that crazy nut
He used to be Detujon
But he told me that John is gone
The marmots got him first “those damn sluts!”
For our prowess and our inner fires
Of games of skill we never tired
Fantasy worlds would continue to inspire
5 even stronger than those of the Shire
They are all 2nd best until we retire!
Truly Nothing is Sacred with Capitalism
Read this on Crooks and Liars a week or so ago, but I didn't want to post until I had a good image to go with. Hooray for crappy photoshop skills. Boo for capitalism.
According to this Logic (stupid American)....
...we're all terrorists. or some of you have been lying to me. hehe.
Greeting from the great thumbed one
Hello, my name is Edward and sometimes I lick my own ass... What? Oh, wrong place. Nevermind. Sorry. Anyway, I'm here to share my exciting and introspective outlook on the world with you. I enjoy sleeping, and eating, and sleeping more, and eating more, and maiming insects but not eating them, sniffing things, and fighting with the bathroom rug. Sometimes when I'm bored I like to fuck with the other furry gray thing that lives downstairs. It hops and growls a lot. I'm not really sure what it is, but it might be food. My other hobbies include climbing on the boy one when it's trying to use the computer, scratching the orange chair when the girl one isn't looking, running up and down the stairs, and being thrown. Sometimes I escape out the back door and hide by the deck until someone comes and saves me. That's all for now. I only got 15 hours of sleep so far today, so I'd better go rest. And besides, my thumbs are tired from all this typing. Is it time for dinner yet? No? How about now?
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Friends don't use friends as meat shields... okay, only sometimes...
Today there was a craft fair in the cafeteria at work. My friend Lisa and I didn't want to work, so we went to check it out. The only cool things were some really expensive glass coasters that neither of us could justify buying. On the way back to our building we saw the local wild turkey herd (or at least 30 or so of them). One of the turkeys had gotten separated from the herd and was getting chased down the street by a van making some really pathetic noises. So we were saying "haha silly turkey, look at it run."
Then we look up, and there's another turkey about 30 feet up flying straight at us, and I'm like "Whoa, crap, another one" and Lisa screams and grabs my arm and hides behind me. And the turkey was getting bigger and lower and still coming right for us, and Lisa starts shuffling off to the side still using me as a shield. I had just about decided that I was going to whack the turkey with my umbrella when it finally veered off to the side a little, landed a couple feet away from us and waddled off down the street. At least Lisa believes me that they fly now.
So yes, today I was a meat shield.
hehe "they're coming right for us" *bang*
And now for something completely different
I would normally just add this to my last post, but thought posting this separate would help to more effectively transition from heavy to light.
Remember, I lied about the last TF2 post...this video pretty much shows all the griefing tactics some people use in TF2. I had only heard of these until this point. Enjoy!
Remember, I lied about the last TF2 post...this video pretty much shows all the griefing tactics some people use in TF2. I had only heard of these until this point. Enjoy!
Ch, Ch, Ch,Ch, Changes
Well, it is done. I dropped Vicki off at the airport yesterday at around noon. We said goodbye and are now in the process of changing our relationship from deep, intense, and intimate, to one of caring, loving, friends.
These last couple of day (well, months, honestly) have been a time of deep reflection, analysis, pain, happiness, and contemplation.
It's been emotionally taxing at best. To "throw it all out there" would be to create a twisted, thought-flow of a post which would make any one of Steves posts looks like a footnote (speaking in size strictly...not really in meaning...). So I'd like to just sum up conclusions I've drawn from my experiences.
I'm a different person. I'm essentially more confident and capable of engaging in conflict when necessary. I honk when I drive, I can look people straight in the eye regardless of circumstance, I'll stand up and clap for a performance I've enjoyed regardless of the crowds response.
Living with Vicki wasn't the sole source of my changes either. My knee started grinding and forced me to consistently work out and ultimately showed me the necessity of living in my body, blocking thoughts while working out and really existing in a grounded space. I've been living a "meaningful" life. One in which I try to distill the messages constantly being communicated to me from the universe via my day to day experiences.
Steve's emotional turbulence couldn't have come at a better time. Over the last few days one of my consistent fears has been the desire to NOT return to my emotionally erratic state in junior high and high school. I can deeply relate to Steve's intense desire for a relationship as well as the emotional backlash from rejection. Granted, his experiences are quite different from my own but there's a lot there for me to relate to.
For example, over the summer I went home and looked at some of my old drawing. They disturbed me. So much so that I decided to leave them there for now, I didn't want to bring them here for occasional glancing. One in particular depicts a large 12-14 year old boy biting the head off of a much smaller fragile peer. The large boy's eyes stare up at the observer with a fierce intensity, a rage at the world. I couldn't believe I was capable of conveying such emotions at such a young age.
Steve's posts took me back to that head space. Reminded me of my troubled times growing up and being single, and helped me see that I am finally over it. I used to think I had a creative tap into Darkness.
When I would draw, I could bring forth images ugly grotesque monstrosities. As I was drawing I would literally visualize pulling material from a dark hole in my soul.
Like Steve, I wouldn't necessarily feel better after making those drawings. Sometimes they would be therapeutic. And more recently I've been able to let out emotions through art. But there is a creative place which for me which is just dark and makes for excellent drawing, but only drains me.
And now, after much introspection, I've seen that things will be different. So much more different. A couple of months ago when I first told you guys Vicki and I were splitting, I expressed my fear of returning to my old self to Steve. Steve's got a great intuition and his response (although he wasn't sure why he was saying it) was that he felt, in his gut, that I probably wouldn't go back. Thanks for that.
He was right and I feel it.
Every interaction with each of you over these last couple of months, every post on this blog, every random lunch meeting, every late night chill session has been pivotal in helping me understand my changes as well as provide excitement for the future.
I now view all my personal relationships as plants that need to be tended and nurtured. People are important. And any that I meet hold meaning to me. Technology really makes it easier to maintain relationships with people. For you guys, we have this blog. For all my acquaintances from Cal I have facebook. Friends and family, thats where I hope to project my energies as we move along. It's in my chart. My rising sign is Cancer, the sign of the chef and family man. It represents the traits I need to adopt and express. I've known that in an intellectual way for years...but not until now have I experienced gratification from actually living it.
To help express the deep gratitude I have for all your friendships and just how much I value all the sharing. I wanted to contribute what was probably one of the heaviest drawings I've made. Some of you may have seen this drawing although I know I haven't shown it to very many people. It was in the St. Josephs ICU. What else do you have to do when a loved one is lying on a bed, drugged up, in pain, and you want to just be around them. You cry, you whisper to others present, you contemplate. This was a therapy sketch. I had to capture the moment in my own way. Well...here:
These last couple of day (well, months, honestly) have been a time of deep reflection, analysis, pain, happiness, and contemplation.
It's been emotionally taxing at best. To "throw it all out there" would be to create a twisted, thought-flow of a post which would make any one of Steves posts looks like a footnote (speaking in size strictly...not really in meaning...). So I'd like to just sum up conclusions I've drawn from my experiences.
I'm a different person. I'm essentially more confident and capable of engaging in conflict when necessary. I honk when I drive, I can look people straight in the eye regardless of circumstance, I'll stand up and clap for a performance I've enjoyed regardless of the crowds response.
Living with Vicki wasn't the sole source of my changes either. My knee started grinding and forced me to consistently work out and ultimately showed me the necessity of living in my body, blocking thoughts while working out and really existing in a grounded space. I've been living a "meaningful" life. One in which I try to distill the messages constantly being communicated to me from the universe via my day to day experiences.
Steve's emotional turbulence couldn't have come at a better time. Over the last few days one of my consistent fears has been the desire to NOT return to my emotionally erratic state in junior high and high school. I can deeply relate to Steve's intense desire for a relationship as well as the emotional backlash from rejection. Granted, his experiences are quite different from my own but there's a lot there for me to relate to.
For example, over the summer I went home and looked at some of my old drawing. They disturbed me. So much so that I decided to leave them there for now, I didn't want to bring them here for occasional glancing. One in particular depicts a large 12-14 year old boy biting the head off of a much smaller fragile peer. The large boy's eyes stare up at the observer with a fierce intensity, a rage at the world. I couldn't believe I was capable of conveying such emotions at such a young age.
Steve's posts took me back to that head space. Reminded me of my troubled times growing up and being single, and helped me see that I am finally over it. I used to think I had a creative tap into Darkness.
When I would draw, I could bring forth images ugly grotesque monstrosities. As I was drawing I would literally visualize pulling material from a dark hole in my soul.
Like Steve, I wouldn't necessarily feel better after making those drawings. Sometimes they would be therapeutic. And more recently I've been able to let out emotions through art. But there is a creative place which for me which is just dark and makes for excellent drawing, but only drains me.
And now, after much introspection, I've seen that things will be different. So much more different. A couple of months ago when I first told you guys Vicki and I were splitting, I expressed my fear of returning to my old self to Steve. Steve's got a great intuition and his response (although he wasn't sure why he was saying it) was that he felt, in his gut, that I probably wouldn't go back. Thanks for that.
He was right and I feel it.
Every interaction with each of you over these last couple of months, every post on this blog, every random lunch meeting, every late night chill session has been pivotal in helping me understand my changes as well as provide excitement for the future.
I now view all my personal relationships as plants that need to be tended and nurtured. People are important. And any that I meet hold meaning to me. Technology really makes it easier to maintain relationships with people. For you guys, we have this blog. For all my acquaintances from Cal I have facebook. Friends and family, thats where I hope to project my energies as we move along. It's in my chart. My rising sign is Cancer, the sign of the chef and family man. It represents the traits I need to adopt and express. I've known that in an intellectual way for years...but not until now have I experienced gratification from actually living it.
To help express the deep gratitude I have for all your friendships and just how much I value all the sharing. I wanted to contribute what was probably one of the heaviest drawings I've made. Some of you may have seen this drawing although I know I haven't shown it to very many people. It was in the St. Josephs ICU. What else do you have to do when a loved one is lying on a bed, drugged up, in pain, and you want to just be around them. You cry, you whisper to others present, you contemplate. This was a therapy sketch. I had to capture the moment in my own way. Well...here:
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
FF4 DS Remake Vid
So the day when they finally include the Japanese audio track in an ff game is..... well it's gonna be a bomb ass day. enjoy. =)
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
An update/thank you
Well its Tuesday night and here is a little update for you all. I have been thinking very much about the themes of my dark poems, the experiences that lead to these feelings, the responses that I received, and as usual simply life in general. I have come to many conclusions in a very short amount of time. I attribute that to all the foundations that Ive built up over the last year (especially this summer with Buddhism) and to the wealth of support that I have received from you all.
First to address the bad poems and the ranting. It works! For so long my writing trapped me and I do not recommend to anyone feeling bad to just dive into a pen and pad. Writing does not always make one feel better. I mean if its therapeutic, and it works, you get it out, and you leave it behind than great! Go for it! But for many people, myself included, simply writing something does not make the feelings go away, and sometimes having a physical reminder can be a burden, I mean one can go back and reread the piece many times in one setting, or throughout a short time span so that one constantly rehashes the old emotions and sort of sets in motion the negative feelings all over again. For the last couple of years I had extreme writers block and part of that was because when the poetry I wrote on drugs was so honest and painful that rereading caused me such torture that I sort of vowed never to go there again. Than I found Buddhism. (or perhaps Buddha found me). I learned (or was reminded) that feelings are not permanent, and often times they can be coming from a source that can not be trusted as ones true self. I learned to let emotions run through me and than to let them go. Recently I applied this to writing. What a change it has made! I no longer look at my writings and feel weighed down by them. I finally have the right attitude and perception towards my work that Ive always heard that fortunate writers can develop. Meaning I detach myself from the initial feeling, I dont feel it reflects who I truly am and I what I truly value (deep down inside I dont feel sorry myself and I know that some times melancholy is part of the grand scheme of things that brings about change), and as a result I can put something on paper, and reread it from a more reserved stand point. I dont attach myself to the initial emotion because to do so would be to extreme and intense, I mean I really dont want to constantly be feeling so utterly low every time I go back and reread my sad poems. Without the negative attachment, or the judging involved (rereading old material and than looking down on myself for having self pity) I can cut out the crap and get down to the real important stuff like what lesson can be learned from this, was the initial emotion valid (almost always was) and what can I do with it now. Sometimes I just have to step away completely but in this instance an important lesson can be so clearly seen. Dan talked about power, Lorenzo talked about lies, Sydney talked about going so low so that one can bounce back up and all of these ideas apply and are useful! For me I have a long history of power struggle, my resentment at my lack of control, and I never have been able to step aside. Now that I have poetry back, and more specifically, In the Cup, I can begin to hash out old issues, view them objectively, get feedback from friends, and than decide how I want to go about changing the issue. In this case with women there is no simple answer, but one thing I took out of the experience was the important reminder to not let myself get to caught up in negative moments, and to not be afraid to share those emotions with others if it means that myself or others might be able to benefit from that temporary vulnerability. Its nothing I plan on making a habit of, but with instances as severe as the case was last night (Im sure you could all tell I was about as low as one can be) it feels good to know that a: I have an outlet, and b: that outlet really works! Sorry for being redundant but I just really wanted to reiterate how much I appreciate you all being part of the process, how much it really works, and how with constant meditation, reflection, and humbling of my ego I will eventually not need this type of support because I will eventually (in theory) be able to realize some of these things with a lot less strain (practice makes perfect and the more I go through these lumps right now that I have support, the less Ill need that support in the future as I get even older and my challenges become even more dire). Just really wanted to assure you all that the process really works. I feel sooo much better! I am not out of the woods yet. I am very worn, my brain literally hurts (or top of head has blood rushing through, not sure which is which) and I feel heavy from all the thinking, but in no way shape or form do I feel that intense sadness that I felt just last night. Writing it down, reading it, getting the feedback, reading it again, it felt like I had really distanced myself from those feelings, even though it was just last night, rereading it felt more like picking up a piece that I had wrote years ago and looking at it be musingly, not like revisiting a current problem. It was great! Part of that has nothing to do with In the Cup and has everything to do with how fortunate I am to have such strong methods to tap into the inner divine, or the Creator. Example. All last night I had nightmares. I kept dreaming that I was doing something over and over and over and over. This is morbid. I dont even remember what I was doing but I knew I couldnt stop myself, when the dream restarted I would repeat the same motions, and I knew it was hell. I woke up feeling like "wow, thank God Im not in hell". So already the day seemed better than the previous night, I had this appreciation for the still of the reality, of the calm of my room, and the reality that I could still fix everything. In the dream I felt so helpless but the reality was so different, so much control was exerted back to me, I was relieved, and already the day began on a different note. I took a shower and got out of bed and right when I open my door 2 crows come flying towards me cawing in their loudest shrill caw. They landed on a tree on my front yard that had little space for them to perch on. It was as if they had come just to say hi. Already I smiled and felt the sign from up above. They were watching me. Everything was going to be fine. The higher powers had their eyes on me and would not allow me to further digress. At least thats the feeling I felt. Im so fortunate to have connections like that. Than my brother surgery went off fantastic and I was so relieved to know its over, the procedure is done, the scary part is behind us and now Sean just has to rest and heal. I trust hell make a full recovery shortly. Before that news I went to turn in my paper work to be a special ed t.a. and everything went smoothly. Im about one step away from being put on the eligibility list, the final step is an evaluation by my current school and I have no doubt it will be favorable. So in the social world my life was moving forward, on the family tip my life was moving forward. Than came friends. I went over my friend Gary's house and found out he is not going back to jail! I was thrilled. We thought he may be going back in and I was sad because it was just over possession of marijuana but when your own probation thats all it takes. It seems the cops never turned in the ticket so bickety bam hes still a free man. Hes a great guy, he deserves a break, hes not stealing or dealing, just smoking weed, so it felt great that for once the man forgot about Gary (he always seems to have just the opposite luck). Than my thoughts returned back to my lack of love life. I couldnt help but feel cool with it all. Im still dissapointed and frustrated but the reality of the situation had sunk in, which is that I was overreacting and honestly I dont really want to be in a relationship right now anyways because Im having such a great time focusing on myself and building my foundations for the rest of my life. Its an exciting time period and Im not quite sure how a girl would fit in to that (not friends of course Syd). I guess I just want it all. Thats not how it works and I know that. So its not exactly a great deal, but its a good one, good friends, good family, good material life, good crows, good faith, good shit! Its all good. I have a feeling that in about 1 week its going to be great! I cant wait to see everyone. I dont think I heard yay or nay about if Dan could make it down but it is 350 miles so whatever happens dont trip, I will be coming to the bay as soon as I am able. I just have to use my car in San Francisco! No matter what I am feeling everyones good sentiments and I feel honored to have such great friends. Take care everyone and if your feeling just the slightest bit happy right now appreciate it fully because the emotion is so precious. If your not feeling so happy let it out as Lorenzo said, everything is always moving, the moment is constantly being renewed and if your patient the moment often turns from painful to blissful and the faster your willing to let go of the one emotion the faster the other can return to the forefront of your perception. Don Juan (my favorite shaman) once said , "all paths lead to nowhere, so I choose the path of heart, because thats the path thats most fulfilling to me". I feel honored that our paths cross over into each others so that we can be allowed the opportunity to share that fulfillment with each other. Peace!
Speaking about shitting in cups...
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What I learned today: Fun and learning with the U.S. Census and meat by-products!
Today I learned that there is a Census category for manufacturers of "meat processed from carcasses." This industry includes about 1000 companies and 100000 employees. I discovered this while I was looking for the slightly less interesting industrial equipment manufacturing sector. Runner up for weirdness is probably the "rendering and meat byproduct processing" sector. Makes me feel much less weird about describing my job as a data monkey. "What do you do for a living?" "I'm just your friendly neighborhood meat from carcass processor."
Here's the full list of industries for your bored / morbid exploration. I think we should have a "toilet preparation manufacturing" appreciation day. I mean, really, otherwise we'd have to shit in the cup, and we all know how it turns out from there.
A fucked up poem
Heres a little bit of whats going in my head right about now. And I swear guys, no more posting stupid sad shit after this. Not for a while. I hate to bring down the mood of the cup when it seems very happy and light as of late. I really enjoy the pictures, videos, jokes, and I dont want to be the one asshole to fuck that up. Dont expect this to be my norm, I promise I will get out of this funk and I will post much lighter and funnier random posts about Marmots and Dans soul and Shit in Cups and Stinky cheese and Xmas with lollipops and gum drops! But just for tonight, my head is so fucked right now, please allow me one last fuck the world post and I promise Ill keep it bottled in like I usually do. I do not wish to burden yall at all. If I didnt think that this may in some way cause me some healing I wouldnt share it with yall. Thanks so much for all the love and support.
Put the gun in my mouth again and taste the cold familiar steel
I love the feeling that runs through my body when I put my finger on the trigger
A ripple of ecstasy runs across my skin from head to toe producing the most marvelous goose bumps
Ahhh now that’s a fuzzy feeling I know only to well
It’s the feeling of hope
Of potential
Of the possibility that once I pull that trigger I will finally be able to feel again
That for at least one moment before it all fades away things will be real again
At least it can’t remain as it is
That’s what I tell myself at least
I forget that after the blank out is always the awakening, the rebirth, the inevitable return back to this fucking cold blue rock.
Put the gun in my mouth again and taste the cold familiar steel
I love the feeling that runs through my body when I put my finger on the trigger
A ripple of ecstasy runs across my skin from head to toe producing the most marvelous goose bumps
Ahhh now that’s a fuzzy feeling I know only to well
It’s the feeling of hope
Of potential
Of the possibility that once I pull that trigger I will finally be able to feel again
That for at least one moment before it all fades away things will be real again
At least it can’t remain as it is
That’s what I tell myself at least
I forget that after the blank out is always the awakening, the rebirth, the inevitable return back to this fucking cold blue rock.
The hard cement of this paved alley is my ally and lover
How many nights have I spent nuzzling up against this pavement?
Wallowing in her frigid embrace searching for solace
The stark hard reality of the street reminds me of my own callous nature
This cement knows me, fucks me, loves me
It’s tasted my blood and tears and yet it still remains faithful
Huddled in a cozy corner of Hell I settle in for a long night
But I know damn well that pretty soon this fucking city won’t even exist anymore
Nothing will
Did it ever?
Does anything exist outside of my own mind?
Did I make it all up?
If so I want to wake the fuck up right now!
Id like another shot at creation please
I fucked up this time
At least when it came to my own story
I would like to rewrite it with a better ending
I guess it must have been a short story
I never did have the patience to write a novel
Haha, there now, it’s not so hard to laugh with a gun in your mouth
Must be careful though, wouldn’t want to prematurely pull the trigger
No, no, must wait until the perfect moment
I have to get everything out of this experience while I still can
Maximum utility of this moment
Every junkie knows the highest point of the fix is right before the injection
It’s the anticipation and the rush of a coming surge of sweet death
It’s the fucking knowledge that I’m killing myself and no one can do a damn thing about it
Not even God
It may very well be my last, wouldn’t want to spoil it just yet
It’s almost time though
I can hear the birds chirping
Reminding me
“He cometh”
Therefore I must depart
Couldn’t stand to look Him face to face
I don’t know what I’m liable to say
I think
If I stay in its radius much longer it will overtake me and than I will be forced to become the Light in order to exist at all
Like fucking Tetsuo
I can’t remain myself any longer now that I have been exposed to the truth
I’ve been staring at the sun so long I have become blind to any other path
No, no, if I run into the darkness I can remain myself for a bit longer
The Devil told me so
She whispered the truth into my ears every night as I slept
I was promised that I would be able to keep my ego
So long as I returned to her
And here I am
Waiting for her to show up for our date
She’s never late, I’m sure she’s here right now
Waiting, watching, for the perfect moment to collect on my debt
It’s a price that I was willing to pay
Countless nights I kissed death and lived to tell the tale
I knew this final evening would come eventually
I chose to ignore it but I knew there was no escape from this ending
I’m fucking Hamlet and the final act is approaching, nothing left to do but play out my role and watch the curtain fall
Don’t worry Satan I promise not to disappoint
I won’t leave you waiting for much longer
Just give me this one moment, let it stretch out across eternity like the rays of light streaming from the distant stars that I am gazing up at
There is no doubt, there is no faith
All that is left is a choice, a choice that I made long before I put the gun into my mouth
I’ve already made my decision
I love you all but its better this way
Funny how now that my brain is sprayed out against the graffiti laced wall behind me everything starts to make so much more sense
If only they could all see
Such a beautiful night after all
Monday, December 3, 2007
WTF?/a short rant
WTF? WTF? You guys are posting the craziest most sexually latent material that in the cup has produced. And all I have to say to that is WTF?
Also.....FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!!
I am sooooo fuuuuuuucking pissed right now. Beyond belief pissed. I swear to God on all that is holy if I thought this life was just about finding a partner I would fucking put a bullet in my skull right now. I swear to God if I thought life was just about finding a partner I would fucking shoot sooo much dope into my veins right fucking now, than I would borrow a fucking gun from a friend, and Id fucking kill myself! Because as far as that mission goes Im fuuuuuucked! Im fuuucked! I can never ever get a break. Why cant any fuuuucking girl ever be as genuine as me? I mean this last one, she was honest and all, but the way she blew me off was fucking shady and unpredicted, and now she has a boyfriend? I mean fuck we were like dating just weeks ago. Or I guess not......FUUUUUCCCCCKKKK!!!!!!! FUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK!!! She didnt exactly lead me on, she didnt exactly portray herself to be available, but her reasons for not getting serious were because she didnt want to be "in a relationship" yet now she is in one. So even shes a fucking liar! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! I bring it on myself. I dont even know why I try. Why I care. Why I continue to invest emotions when there never ever has been a pay off. I swear to God on everything holy if I thought this world was all about love and happiness Id go run out right now and score some dope and than kill myself. Because Im never going to be happy in a conventional sense. Im never going to get the girl. Its fucking crazy yo! Its fucking crazy how I have to practice what I preach. I preach about Mother Teresa and suffering, and bearing through it all with a fucking grin, carrying the cross ya know? And God gives it to me. He hands it down. He says here you believe that life is about service to others, than fuck you, fuck you Steve, fuck you and your own desires for cheap happiness, fuck you, you fucking be alone, just me and you kid, you fucking be alone you righteous mutha fucker. Thats exactly what God says to me. Every single time, and Im faced with a dilemma. Faithless and pissed, drugged out and ignorant to what I know is the truth, or faith, belief, struggle, and essentially acceptance. Acceptance of the truth that I am always going to be alone and thats just whats meant for me in this life. This life is a big long fucking lesson in "NO YOU CANT HAVE THAT!" What a fucking life. What a fucking lesson. I love it. I fucking love it. Or I never would have chosen this life for myself. Why? Why? I just dont understand what could be gained, accept for that in the end if I remain faithful God will be able to at least say, "There now ya see...........I knew you could still love me even if I kept everything youve ever dreamed of outside of your reach.....even if I surrounded you with Devils and Demons.......even though I through you into a world of fucking shit.....you still love me......"
What am I trying to prove to myself. I swear to God Id go shoot dope if I thought this was it. If I honestly believed that a relationship was a measure of success, because I dont think that, I feel that there is more to life than just gratifying our personal desires to not feel lonely, for me its about carrying the cross, why the fuck is mine so heavy? Id cry if I had tears left to cry. I swear to God when I found out I literally thought, do I want to cry? I feel sort of that shitty, but do I want to cry? I just didnt have the tears left to cry. Im so over this shit. I couldnt bring myself to cry over what just simply is a pattern that constantly repeats itself over and over, itd be like crying because the moon is out, or because the grass is green, me being alone just simply is...how can I cry when I dont have a heart left to bleed. My heart is so cold. My chest so empty for so long now. The only thing that warms my bones is memories and dreams, but the reality is so fucking cold, my heart just pumps out of routine, not out of love. Its been frozen now for so fucking long. I could give a fuck. I could give a flying fuck. Its just the way it is. Forever. No, I wont go get the gun. I wont go get the dope. Instead Ill just have to settle for the few ways I will allow myself to be hurt. Cigarettes, booze, insomnia, and emptiness. Ill allow the emptiness to take control for a little while. Run a back seat to the darkness for a little while. Put on the mask. Once again. Put on the mask and no one can see me. Theyre not even real ya know? Nothing is. Nothing in this world of gray is real. My dreams are my own solace now. Pray that shes not in them yall. Its all I can hope for now.
oh ya Seans in the hospital again. Hes going to need surgery. He had a 3rd lung collapse. That makes 5 between the 2 of us now. Wow. Life just keeps getting better and better. Hope everyone else is doing much much better than I am right now. Peace.
Also.....FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!!
I am sooooo fuuuuuuucking pissed right now. Beyond belief pissed. I swear to God on all that is holy if I thought this life was just about finding a partner I would fucking put a bullet in my skull right now. I swear to God if I thought life was just about finding a partner I would fucking shoot sooo much dope into my veins right fucking now, than I would borrow a fucking gun from a friend, and Id fucking kill myself! Because as far as that mission goes Im fuuuuuucked! Im fuuucked! I can never ever get a break. Why cant any fuuuucking girl ever be as genuine as me? I mean this last one, she was honest and all, but the way she blew me off was fucking shady and unpredicted, and now she has a boyfriend? I mean fuck we were like dating just weeks ago. Or I guess not......FUUUUUCCCCCKKKK!!!!!!! FUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK!!! She didnt exactly lead me on, she didnt exactly portray herself to be available, but her reasons for not getting serious were because she didnt want to be "in a relationship" yet now she is in one. So even shes a fucking liar! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! I bring it on myself. I dont even know why I try. Why I care. Why I continue to invest emotions when there never ever has been a pay off. I swear to God on everything holy if I thought this world was all about love and happiness Id go run out right now and score some dope and than kill myself. Because Im never going to be happy in a conventional sense. Im never going to get the girl. Its fucking crazy yo! Its fucking crazy how I have to practice what I preach. I preach about Mother Teresa and suffering, and bearing through it all with a fucking grin, carrying the cross ya know? And God gives it to me. He hands it down. He says here you believe that life is about service to others, than fuck you, fuck you Steve, fuck you and your own desires for cheap happiness, fuck you, you fucking be alone, just me and you kid, you fucking be alone you righteous mutha fucker. Thats exactly what God says to me. Every single time, and Im faced with a dilemma. Faithless and pissed, drugged out and ignorant to what I know is the truth, or faith, belief, struggle, and essentially acceptance. Acceptance of the truth that I am always going to be alone and thats just whats meant for me in this life. This life is a big long fucking lesson in "NO YOU CANT HAVE THAT!" What a fucking life. What a fucking lesson. I love it. I fucking love it. Or I never would have chosen this life for myself. Why? Why? I just dont understand what could be gained, accept for that in the end if I remain faithful God will be able to at least say, "There now ya see...........I knew you could still love me even if I kept everything youve ever dreamed of outside of your reach.....even if I surrounded you with Devils and Demons.......even though I through you into a world of fucking shit.....you still love me......"
What am I trying to prove to myself. I swear to God Id go shoot dope if I thought this was it. If I honestly believed that a relationship was a measure of success, because I dont think that, I feel that there is more to life than just gratifying our personal desires to not feel lonely, for me its about carrying the cross, why the fuck is mine so heavy? Id cry if I had tears left to cry. I swear to God when I found out I literally thought, do I want to cry? I feel sort of that shitty, but do I want to cry? I just didnt have the tears left to cry. Im so over this shit. I couldnt bring myself to cry over what just simply is a pattern that constantly repeats itself over and over, itd be like crying because the moon is out, or because the grass is green, me being alone just simply is...how can I cry when I dont have a heart left to bleed. My heart is so cold. My chest so empty for so long now. The only thing that warms my bones is memories and dreams, but the reality is so fucking cold, my heart just pumps out of routine, not out of love. Its been frozen now for so fucking long. I could give a fuck. I could give a flying fuck. Its just the way it is. Forever. No, I wont go get the gun. I wont go get the dope. Instead Ill just have to settle for the few ways I will allow myself to be hurt. Cigarettes, booze, insomnia, and emptiness. Ill allow the emptiness to take control for a little while. Run a back seat to the darkness for a little while. Put on the mask. Once again. Put on the mask and no one can see me. Theyre not even real ya know? Nothing is. Nothing in this world of gray is real. My dreams are my own solace now. Pray that shes not in them yall. Its all I can hope for now.
oh ya Seans in the hospital again. Hes going to need surgery. He had a 3rd lung collapse. That makes 5 between the 2 of us now. Wow. Life just keeps getting better and better. Hope everyone else is doing much much better than I am right now. Peace.
More rape?
So you all like watching rape? You like animals too? What about kids, ehh? You like them? And how about that Wii?
yeah, this is just for you voyeuristic, animal liking, rape watching pervs out there.
God I feel dirty...look what the eco guys have made me...
*looks in mirror
I hate you, i hate yooouuu...
yeah, this is just for you voyeuristic, animal liking, rape watching pervs out there.
God I feel dirty...look what the eco guys have made me...
*looks in mirror
I hate you, i hate yooouuu...
Bwains... *murloc noises*
Come on, who doesn't want to read an article called "Zombie cockroaches revived by brain shot" ?
Basically, somebody discovered that injecting cockroaches' brains with certain chemicals will unparalyze them after they've been stung by wasps. But they don't think the research can easily be applied to unzombifying humans, so keep the shotty ready.
Basically, somebody discovered that injecting cockroaches' brains with certain chemicals will unparalyze them after they've been stung by wasps. But they don't think the research can easily be applied to unzombifying humans, so keep the shotty ready.
What I learned today: ??? um...
Today I haven't learned anything interesting, so you get a picture of a camel. I don't know why. It's just a camel kind of day.
PS - I did learn that something pretty wrong pops up when you google for images of camel...
I swear, one of my last TF2 posts...
Some of you may have seen these vids, sorry for spamming the front page.
You just need to watch them. Make sure to click for the "standard definition" option, otherwise a popup opens and you need to DL some extra software. Not worth the hassle and defeats the purpose of embedding these vids in the first place.
The following is essentially an animation feature, detailing some of went behind TF2's stylization:
And in the animation feature spirit of TF2's style, here's an article about it.
Yeah, probably not my last TF2 post...sorry, crossed my fingers on that one.
You just need to watch them. Make sure to click for the "standard definition" option, otherwise a popup opens and you need to DL some extra software. Not worth the hassle and defeats the purpose of embedding these vids in the first place.
The following is essentially an animation feature, detailing some of went behind TF2's stylization:
And in the animation feature spirit of TF2's style, here's an article about it.
Yeah, probably not my last TF2 post...sorry, crossed my fingers on that one.
What Cyrusse should have learned today...
Druids are real...I guess there's nothing to be learned here. I just really wanted to title a post "What Cyrusse should have learned today..."
But seriously, I read about a guy titled "The tree man" in New Scientist. He's turning into a tree...but really just has a sever case of warts...maybe...we're not sure. I think he is a Druid. No. I think hes an alien soul reincarnated into this planet. His soul is just used to expressing itself into a physical tree body, cause where hes from tree bodies are the only bodies. But humanity needs help, so he came, now hes like, "Shit, I'm a tree!".
Here's the video. I would have embedded it, but there was no visibly apparent code.
I may have said too much...
=)
But seriously, I read about a guy titled "The tree man" in New Scientist. He's turning into a tree...but really just has a sever case of warts...maybe...we're not sure. I think he is a Druid. No. I think hes an alien soul reincarnated into this planet. His soul is just used to expressing itself into a physical tree body, cause where hes from tree bodies are the only bodies. But humanity needs help, so he came, now hes like, "Shit, I'm a tree!".
Here's the video. I would have embedded it, but there was no visibly apparent code.
I may have said too much...
=)
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Good Cop Bad Cop
Ok I know I promised not to post more vids of Will Farrel because there are so many and Im sure we could all just go to the website if we really cared. But cmon its Pearl yall. How could I say no to that face. This is her retirement video so enjoy!
p.s. there are also David Blane parody videos on the site Lorenzo. You must see them! I laughed so hard I started crying. Man this guy has an effect on me. I would have included it but the baby won out over the Blane, still you must check it out!
p.s. there are also David Blane parody videos on the site Lorenzo. You must see them! I laughed so hard I started crying. Man this guy has an effect on me. I would have included it but the baby won out over the Blane, still you must check it out!
Its Sunday yall!
Well its Sunday and I just wanted to check in for a second. Today I went hiking way the fuck back in the hills behind my house. It was a lot of fun! Gary was right Ron; he has cleared much of the brush out of the way and much more was cleared back from rain and cold weather. I didnt see nearly half of the amount of bugs that I saw when the three of us went back there. Essentially I chose the worst time of the entire year to take anyone back there and was asking for a negative experience as a result. Gary seriously tripped when I told him we went in August. I still dont know if you would have liked it back there considering all the ropes (you didnt even see the first one...haha) but for me, it was definitely managable and worth returning to. I kept thinking that Dan would have liked it because he was almost ready to squirm up and over the first rope climb and this time around it was so much more doable. No wasps at all! Haha. That place is wild though homie. I wish I had pix but I didnt want to break my Dads camera. Its in my mind so one day with technology youl see. Haha.
I also wanted to let In the text members know that I am still chugging through the book but ya, Im reading five other ones right now so...its a process. I put most of the other ones on hold but I still barely have time. I know Ill be done by the end of the month for sure. Id say that a book for every 2 months is fair (or even longer if yall like!), we can all read one much faster than that, but it allows us enough time to read our own material (which Im sure the 3 of us are pouring into at this very time). If 2 months would be our allotted time Id say Id have until at least January. Please let me know what yall think.
In other news. I got back the official results from my Special Ed test. I passed! I already knew that but it felt good to see it in writing. Now all thats left is going in turning in some more paper work and a final interview that I have absolutely no doubt Ill super ace. Its a good time for me right now. Everything is going just as can be expected. Which is why, no doubt, I am being tested in other regards, but thats just how it goes in my life. Nothing is complete, and yet everything is.......As a sit here and type this, I stretch, yawn, and cant help but feel that everything is exactly where it belongs. Oneness with everything always. Thats what I strive for. Whether I strive for it or not, it just is. Either way, it looks like Ill be making much more money very soon and thats always cool to!
Hope everyone is having a good Sunday. Ill be down to play any games today for sure. I sort of disappeared when this weekend started but I had the urge to go out for a change so I jumped on it. It turned out great, I had a great time all weekend, but now its time to hide away. If nothing else Ill just play FFX2 that I just recently began. That game rocks! It fucking rocks! Well, nothing left to report, maybe Ill see someone in a virtual medium by the end of the night, maybe not. Peace!
p.s. The Koala was robbed! I like wombats as much as the next man but cmon people, not cooler than Koala!
I also wanted to let In the text members know that I am still chugging through the book but ya, Im reading five other ones right now so...its a process. I put most of the other ones on hold but I still barely have time. I know Ill be done by the end of the month for sure. Id say that a book for every 2 months is fair (or even longer if yall like!), we can all read one much faster than that, but it allows us enough time to read our own material (which Im sure the 3 of us are pouring into at this very time). If 2 months would be our allotted time Id say Id have until at least January. Please let me know what yall think.
In other news. I got back the official results from my Special Ed test. I passed! I already knew that but it felt good to see it in writing. Now all thats left is going in turning in some more paper work and a final interview that I have absolutely no doubt Ill super ace. Its a good time for me right now. Everything is going just as can be expected. Which is why, no doubt, I am being tested in other regards, but thats just how it goes in my life. Nothing is complete, and yet everything is.......As a sit here and type this, I stretch, yawn, and cant help but feel that everything is exactly where it belongs. Oneness with everything always. Thats what I strive for. Whether I strive for it or not, it just is. Either way, it looks like Ill be making much more money very soon and thats always cool to!
Hope everyone is having a good Sunday. Ill be down to play any games today for sure. I sort of disappeared when this weekend started but I had the urge to go out for a change so I jumped on it. It turned out great, I had a great time all weekend, but now its time to hide away. If nothing else Ill just play FFX2 that I just recently began. That game rocks! It fucking rocks! Well, nothing left to report, maybe Ill see someone in a virtual medium by the end of the night, maybe not. Peace!
p.s. The Koala was robbed! I like wombats as much as the next man but cmon people, not cooler than Koala!
Friday, November 30, 2007
Important safety vid for Syd's dad.
It's official, Don't release a cheetah into the wild with your window down...
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Emptiness
Jesus has a very special love for you," she assured Van der Peet. "[But] as for me, the silence and the emptiness is so great, that I look and do not see, — Listen and do not hear — the tongue moves [in prayer] but does not speak ...
This is a quote taken from a letter that Mother Teresa wrote to a confidant. For much of the last few years I to have been plagued with the emptiness. Yet for me I have channels and outlets to escape the feelings. I wrote this poem about emptiness the other day because I was stuck in it and wanted a window out. I figured if I put it in a physical space I could step out of it. It worked very well. Much better than drugs ever did. Than the next day I read this article in Time magazine about private letters found after Mother Teresa died in which she discussed her struggle with her faith, and her even greater struggle with "the emptiness/darkness"
here is a link to a website discussing the article.
http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1655415,00.html
I to have used both of those very same terms to describe my own state of being. I found the connections to be paramount and I have seen it as a sign from God that others to struggled with this spiritual complex, and in much more extreme ways. It seems I am in good company. You know, I personally have looked at many of things that she wrote and I do not feel that it proves that she was faithless, to me it just shows how for some people faith is all we have, at times we have no love in our hearts or reason for believing that love is being exerted back on us by a higher power, its just faith. Yet I feel actions speak louder than words, and this women led an amazing life of selflessness and sacrifice, if it took her suffering so she could be capable of producing such wonderful acts of kindness than I think shed say it was worth it. In fact I know she made her peace with her role as the dark saint. She wrote.
"If I ever become a Saint — I will surely be one of 'darkness.' I will continually be absent from Heaven — to [light] the light of those in darkness on earth"
I can almost see her light. Guiding me out of my darkness. God bless all the saints.
(disclaimer:I am not sad. This is something I have dealt with for many years. A few days ago it hit me bad and I begun this poem. Tonight Im just getting it all out of me for respect of the original sentiment, but the feelings it stemmed from are no longer with me. In fact Ive been very cheerful for most of today. Just so you know, Im fine, I just need to get this out there. I hope to come back to this poem and improve on it when my mood is more melancholy because I fear my cheery disposition makes it hard to finish the poem with the respect it deserves, I just dont got the imagery because Im not in the head space. Lucky for me!)
This is a quote taken from a letter that Mother Teresa wrote to a confidant. For much of the last few years I to have been plagued with the emptiness. Yet for me I have channels and outlets to escape the feelings. I wrote this poem about emptiness the other day because I was stuck in it and wanted a window out. I figured if I put it in a physical space I could step out of it. It worked very well. Much better than drugs ever did. Than the next day I read this article in Time magazine about private letters found after Mother Teresa died in which she discussed her struggle with her faith, and her even greater struggle with "the emptiness/darkness"
here is a link to a website discussing the article.
http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1655415,00.html
I to have used both of those very same terms to describe my own state of being. I found the connections to be paramount and I have seen it as a sign from God that others to struggled with this spiritual complex, and in much more extreme ways. It seems I am in good company. You know, I personally have looked at many of things that she wrote and I do not feel that it proves that she was faithless, to me it just shows how for some people faith is all we have, at times we have no love in our hearts or reason for believing that love is being exerted back on us by a higher power, its just faith. Yet I feel actions speak louder than words, and this women led an amazing life of selflessness and sacrifice, if it took her suffering so she could be capable of producing such wonderful acts of kindness than I think shed say it was worth it. In fact I know she made her peace with her role as the dark saint. She wrote.
"If I ever become a Saint — I will surely be one of 'darkness.' I will continually be absent from Heaven — to [light] the light of those in darkness on earth"
I can almost see her light. Guiding me out of my darkness. God bless all the saints.
(disclaimer:I am not sad. This is something I have dealt with for many years. A few days ago it hit me bad and I begun this poem. Tonight Im just getting it all out of me for respect of the original sentiment, but the feelings it stemmed from are no longer with me. In fact Ive been very cheerful for most of today. Just so you know, Im fine, I just need to get this out there. I hope to come back to this poem and improve on it when my mood is more melancholy because I fear my cheery disposition makes it hard to finish the poem with the respect it deserves, I just dont got the imagery because Im not in the head space. Lucky for me!)
Emptiness
It eats away at you bit by bit
Like how the sun fades the color of rocks over time
It creeps on your heart slowly and silently
It does not announce its coming approach
No, instead it waits in silence until your least suspecting
When everything is going right
When everything is going on schedule
When everything is in order
Than it creeps up on you
It’s your shadow following you in the dead of the night
Or the stillness of the morning
People walking by on the street and their faces are blank
Put the mask on again and they can’t even see you
They mean nothing to you
Nothing does
Emptiness
It knows who to prey on and when to do so
It never creeps up on people in love
They have so much to combat it with
Laughter and love and security and comfort redirect its efforts
No, it preys on those of us who are alone
No matter how happy we are with our lives
No matter how content we are with our solitude
No matter how secure we are in our faith
It creeps up into ones soul, climbs inside of us like a fucking parasite, it knows its host, it has fed on this one so many times before now.
Not questions that one is normally inclined to make when they have love in their heart
Questions like, Am I happy? Am I doing what Im supposed to be doing? Can I carry this burden without someone to share it with? Is this what the Creator intended for me?
And so on and so on
It creeps up and destroys ones ego, it feeds off insecurity, and it bathes in sadness
It uses melancholy like a magician uses smoke
It’s the nothing in this story that never ends
The nothing, the absence of life, of feeling, of being
It needs you to be completely alone so it can begin to take hold
Emptiness
What to do once it has dug its talons into your heart?
Some may choose to fill the void with drugs or violence or sex, but it has insatiable appetite and can not be filled with mortal desires.
The more you seek to be free of it the more it tries to distort your perception so it can remain a part of you, so it can become you
It refuses to be rid of its new host until it has completely drained the entity of all life, love, and light
Fucking turns the light into darkness, I cant find a door knob on any of the thousands of doors I run by in this never ending purgatory of sadness that I stumbled into while the lights were out.
Only in this carnival when you look in the mirror your reflection doesn’t stretch or distort, the image becomes crystal clear but you don’t recognize the face at all, it’s the eyes, they are hallow now…..
Some may choose to ignore the emptiness with distractions like drama, work, or ideology.
But there is no ignoring the demons that run through ones mind
No matter how far you run it will give chase
How the fuck does one escape one’s own shadow?
Only in the dark
And even some may choose to take the easiest route away
They jump off buildings, slit wrists, load up needles with a triple dose of Satan, put guns in their mouths and as they pull the trigger they feel a release, a sigh of relief, finally, the Emptiness is gone, and all that’s left is Life
The way it should be
Its so quiet here
Everything is so still
Without doubt or faith
Where does emptiness come from?
Is it real?
Is this Hell real?
All that’s left of me now is my hallowed out shell
Green Team
Ok this will be the last video of this nature that Im posting for a while. The website is called funnyordie.com Its run by Will Farrel and some of his folks. This video may just be funnier than the last one. If you get bored check out his site, nearly every video is amusing and there are tons.
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