Well its Tuesday night and here is a little update for you all. I have been thinking very much about the themes of my dark poems, the experiences that lead to these feelings, the responses that I received, and as usual simply life in general. I have come to many conclusions in a very short amount of time. I attribute that to all the foundations that Ive built up over the last year (especially this summer with Buddhism) and to the wealth of support that I have received from you all.
First to address the bad poems and the ranting. It works! For so long my writing trapped me and I do not recommend to anyone feeling bad to just dive into a pen and pad. Writing does not always make one feel better. I mean if its therapeutic, and it works, you get it out, and you leave it behind than great! Go for it! But for many people, myself included, simply writing something does not make the feelings go away, and sometimes having a physical reminder can be a burden, I mean one can go back and reread the piece many times in one setting, or throughout a short time span so that one constantly rehashes the old emotions and sort of sets in motion the negative feelings all over again. For the last couple of years I had extreme writers block and part of that was because when the poetry I wrote on drugs was so honest and painful that rereading caused me such torture that I sort of vowed never to go there again. Than I found Buddhism. (or perhaps Buddha found me). I learned (or was reminded) that feelings are not permanent, and often times they can be coming from a source that can not be trusted as ones true self. I learned to let emotions run through me and than to let them go. Recently I applied this to writing. What a change it has made! I no longer look at my writings and feel weighed down by them. I finally have the right attitude and perception towards my work that Ive always heard that fortunate writers can develop. Meaning I detach myself from the initial feeling, I dont feel it reflects who I truly am and I what I truly value (deep down inside I dont feel sorry myself and I know that some times melancholy is part of the grand scheme of things that brings about change), and as a result I can put something on paper, and reread it from a more reserved stand point. I dont attach myself to the initial emotion because to do so would be to extreme and intense, I mean I really dont want to constantly be feeling so utterly low every time I go back and reread my sad poems. Without the negative attachment, or the judging involved (rereading old material and than looking down on myself for having self pity) I can cut out the crap and get down to the real important stuff like what lesson can be learned from this, was the initial emotion valid (almost always was) and what can I do with it now. Sometimes I just have to step away completely but in this instance an important lesson can be so clearly seen. Dan talked about power, Lorenzo talked about lies, Sydney talked about going so low so that one can bounce back up and all of these ideas apply and are useful! For me I have a long history of power struggle, my resentment at my lack of control, and I never have been able to step aside. Now that I have poetry back, and more specifically, In the Cup, I can begin to hash out old issues, view them objectively, get feedback from friends, and than decide how I want to go about changing the issue. In this case with women there is no simple answer, but one thing I took out of the experience was the important reminder to not let myself get to caught up in negative moments, and to not be afraid to share those emotions with others if it means that myself or others might be able to benefit from that temporary vulnerability. Its nothing I plan on making a habit of, but with instances as severe as the case was last night (Im sure you could all tell I was about as low as one can be) it feels good to know that a: I have an outlet, and b: that outlet really works! Sorry for being redundant but I just really wanted to reiterate how much I appreciate you all being part of the process, how much it really works, and how with constant meditation, reflection, and humbling of my ego I will eventually not need this type of support because I will eventually (in theory) be able to realize some of these things with a lot less strain (practice makes perfect and the more I go through these lumps right now that I have support, the less Ill need that support in the future as I get even older and my challenges become even more dire). Just really wanted to assure you all that the process really works. I feel sooo much better! I am not out of the woods yet. I am very worn, my brain literally hurts (or top of head has blood rushing through, not sure which is which) and I feel heavy from all the thinking, but in no way shape or form do I feel that intense sadness that I felt just last night. Writing it down, reading it, getting the feedback, reading it again, it felt like I had really distanced myself from those feelings, even though it was just last night, rereading it felt more like picking up a piece that I had wrote years ago and looking at it be musingly, not like revisiting a current problem. It was great! Part of that has nothing to do with In the Cup and has everything to do with how fortunate I am to have such strong methods to tap into the inner divine, or the Creator. Example. All last night I had nightmares. I kept dreaming that I was doing something over and over and over and over. This is morbid. I dont even remember what I was doing but I knew I couldnt stop myself, when the dream restarted I would repeat the same motions, and I knew it was hell. I woke up feeling like "wow, thank God Im not in hell". So already the day seemed better than the previous night, I had this appreciation for the still of the reality, of the calm of my room, and the reality that I could still fix everything. In the dream I felt so helpless but the reality was so different, so much control was exerted back to me, I was relieved, and already the day began on a different note. I took a shower and got out of bed and right when I open my door 2 crows come flying towards me cawing in their loudest shrill caw. They landed on a tree on my front yard that had little space for them to perch on. It was as if they had come just to say hi. Already I smiled and felt the sign from up above. They were watching me. Everything was going to be fine. The higher powers had their eyes on me and would not allow me to further digress. At least thats the feeling I felt. Im so fortunate to have connections like that. Than my brother surgery went off fantastic and I was so relieved to know its over, the procedure is done, the scary part is behind us and now Sean just has to rest and heal. I trust hell make a full recovery shortly. Before that news I went to turn in my paper work to be a special ed t.a. and everything went smoothly. Im about one step away from being put on the eligibility list, the final step is an evaluation by my current school and I have no doubt it will be favorable. So in the social world my life was moving forward, on the family tip my life was moving forward. Than came friends. I went over my friend Gary's house and found out he is not going back to jail! I was thrilled. We thought he may be going back in and I was sad because it was just over possession of marijuana but when your own probation thats all it takes. It seems the cops never turned in the ticket so bickety bam hes still a free man. Hes a great guy, he deserves a break, hes not stealing or dealing, just smoking weed, so it felt great that for once the man forgot about Gary (he always seems to have just the opposite luck). Than my thoughts returned back to my lack of love life. I couldnt help but feel cool with it all. Im still dissapointed and frustrated but the reality of the situation had sunk in, which is that I was overreacting and honestly I dont really want to be in a relationship right now anyways because Im having such a great time focusing on myself and building my foundations for the rest of my life. Its an exciting time period and Im not quite sure how a girl would fit in to that (not friends of course Syd). I guess I just want it all. Thats not how it works and I know that. So its not exactly a great deal, but its a good one, good friends, good family, good material life, good crows, good faith, good shit! Its all good. I have a feeling that in about 1 week its going to be great! I cant wait to see everyone. I dont think I heard yay or nay about if Dan could make it down but it is 350 miles so whatever happens dont trip, I will be coming to the bay as soon as I am able. I just have to use my car in San Francisco! No matter what I am feeling everyones good sentiments and I feel honored to have such great friends. Take care everyone and if your feeling just the slightest bit happy right now appreciate it fully because the emotion is so precious. If your not feeling so happy let it out as Lorenzo said, everything is always moving, the moment is constantly being renewed and if your patient the moment often turns from painful to blissful and the faster your willing to let go of the one emotion the faster the other can return to the forefront of your perception. Don Juan (my favorite shaman) once said , "all paths lead to nowhere, so I choose the path of heart, because thats the path thats most fulfilling to me". I feel honored that our paths cross over into each others so that we can be allowed the opportunity to share that fulfillment with each other. Peace!
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