WTF? WTF? You guys are posting the craziest most sexually latent material that in the cup has produced. And all I have to say to that is WTF?
Also.....FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!!
I am sooooo fuuuuuuucking pissed right now. Beyond belief pissed. I swear to God on all that is holy if I thought this life was just about finding a partner I would fucking put a bullet in my skull right now. I swear to God if I thought life was just about finding a partner I would fucking shoot sooo much dope into my veins right fucking now, than I would borrow a fucking gun from a friend, and Id fucking kill myself! Because as far as that mission goes Im fuuuuuucked! Im fuuucked! I can never ever get a break. Why cant any fuuuucking girl ever be as genuine as me? I mean this last one, she was honest and all, but the way she blew me off was fucking shady and unpredicted, and now she has a boyfriend? I mean fuck we were like dating just weeks ago. Or I guess not......FUUUUUCCCCCKKKK!!!!!!! FUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK!!! She didnt exactly lead me on, she didnt exactly portray herself to be available, but her reasons for not getting serious were because she didnt want to be "in a relationship" yet now she is in one. So even shes a fucking liar! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! I bring it on myself. I dont even know why I try. Why I care. Why I continue to invest emotions when there never ever has been a pay off. I swear to God on everything holy if I thought this world was all about love and happiness Id go run out right now and score some dope and than kill myself. Because Im never going to be happy in a conventional sense. Im never going to get the girl. Its fucking crazy yo! Its fucking crazy how I have to practice what I preach. I preach about Mother Teresa and suffering, and bearing through it all with a fucking grin, carrying the cross ya know? And God gives it to me. He hands it down. He says here you believe that life is about service to others, than fuck you, fuck you Steve, fuck you and your own desires for cheap happiness, fuck you, you fucking be alone, just me and you kid, you fucking be alone you righteous mutha fucker. Thats exactly what God says to me. Every single time, and Im faced with a dilemma. Faithless and pissed, drugged out and ignorant to what I know is the truth, or faith, belief, struggle, and essentially acceptance. Acceptance of the truth that I am always going to be alone and thats just whats meant for me in this life. This life is a big long fucking lesson in "NO YOU CANT HAVE THAT!" What a fucking life. What a fucking lesson. I love it. I fucking love it. Or I never would have chosen this life for myself. Why? Why? I just dont understand what could be gained, accept for that in the end if I remain faithful God will be able to at least say, "There now ya see...........I knew you could still love me even if I kept everything youve ever dreamed of outside of your reach.....even if I surrounded you with Devils and Demons.......even though I through you into a world of fucking shit.....you still love me......"
What am I trying to prove to myself. I swear to God Id go shoot dope if I thought this was it. If I honestly believed that a relationship was a measure of success, because I dont think that, I feel that there is more to life than just gratifying our personal desires to not feel lonely, for me its about carrying the cross, why the fuck is mine so heavy? Id cry if I had tears left to cry. I swear to God when I found out I literally thought, do I want to cry? I feel sort of that shitty, but do I want to cry? I just didnt have the tears left to cry. Im so over this shit. I couldnt bring myself to cry over what just simply is a pattern that constantly repeats itself over and over, itd be like crying because the moon is out, or because the grass is green, me being alone just simply is...how can I cry when I dont have a heart left to bleed. My heart is so cold. My chest so empty for so long now. The only thing that warms my bones is memories and dreams, but the reality is so fucking cold, my heart just pumps out of routine, not out of love. Its been frozen now for so fucking long. I could give a fuck. I could give a flying fuck. Its just the way it is. Forever. No, I wont go get the gun. I wont go get the dope. Instead Ill just have to settle for the few ways I will allow myself to be hurt. Cigarettes, booze, insomnia, and emptiness. Ill allow the emptiness to take control for a little while. Run a back seat to the darkness for a little while. Put on the mask. Once again. Put on the mask and no one can see me. Theyre not even real ya know? Nothing is. Nothing in this world of gray is real. My dreams are my own solace now. Pray that shes not in them yall. Its all I can hope for now.
oh ya Seans in the hospital again. Hes going to need surgery. He had a 3rd lung collapse. That makes 5 between the 2 of us now. Wow. Life just keeps getting better and better. Hope everyone else is doing much much better than I am right now. Peace.
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3 comments:
I gotta say man some times ya scare me. Your intensity impresses me every time.
Not sure if comments are needed or wanted but you made me think of how power corrupts. It's lonely at the top and lonely at the bottom. The middle can be better but it's all in where you think you are. Too much power and the need use it where it's not needed arises. Lack of power makes the situation feel hopeless and leads to using what little is left for all the wrong reasons.
I don't hope to know anyone but myself but those values seem to hold true for me.
You know it's very ironic. Sounds like she said "I'm not looking for a boyfriend" because she didn't want to hurt you (why some girls just haven't figured out how cliche that line really is just scares me). And in the process just lied to you which is ten times more hurtful.
Ya know? Just be honest...
You know, the sickest part of it all comes when you get those things, and God says:
"HA! look bi@tch, here's what you wanted, and look, it still aint enough. I'm still number one...LOLs"
Why god uses 1337 speak is beyond me, but he/she made it, so he/she must speak it sometimes...
Anyways, let it out bro.
We're going to have a fun weekend man, my sis is renting out a Van, everyone going likes to PARTY, and yeah, you'll be able to just let loose with some cool peeps. We'll both be needing it.
Sorry to hear about Sean's 3rd lung collapse. I'll send out some healing/love vibes his way. You guys definitely have some crazy shared karma/experiences there, which only get magnified by the fact that you're brothers in the first place.
Much love to you brother.
Dan: thanks again for the support. I dont expect comments but if you have something to share I really value what it is. I thought a lot about what you wrote. Its funny because many people have told me that I am intense. I have often been told that they envy the way I can completely immerse myself in the current emotion that I am feeling, as if life would be more "fun" this way. I can say that indulging in that regard has it rewards. Its so fun to indulge in the lighter side of life, laughter, drink, good conversation, video games! But unfortunately there is a flip side to my ability to place significance in every moment I experience. When things are low, they are real low! With everything in life there is a balance. This totally brings me back to what you were saying about power. Too much power corrupts, too little can make one resentful, and the middle is at times....well boring. Its ultimately how you choose to perceive things (isnt everything) but I feel that a healthy balance between having too much power or letting someone have too much power over you and between not letting someone in at all, is very healthy. So i like your comment very much. It made me think about Buddhism, and Buddhism made me think about balance, about the nature of feelings/vs true being, and the impermanence of bad experiences. I mean once you unthink the thoughts, or remove yourself from the perception, in this case lack of power, than the reality of the situation changes, the problem ceases to exist. Easier said than done but just striving for it has helped me a lot today and it all started when I came home and read your comment on my lunch break. Thanks
Lorenzo:I am extremely eager to go hang out this weekend. I am feeling better and I have no doubt that as Seans state continues to improve my excitement towards Saturday will also improve. At this rate he may even be out of the hospital by than. I certainly hope so. I agree 100% that we both need a little break. Im excited. Also about the girl. You are right. She was trying to be nice but she ended up lying. Still, I dont count that as lying. She certainly wasnt being deceptive or mean, it was a white lie at best. In other words with 24 hours of meditation on the topic I saw that she really is a good girl and I shouldnt hold a grudge. I have the right to feel dissapointed in not being chosen, rejection fucking sux, but I mean she didnt straight up lie lie to me, I was exagerating the situation and taking out my frustrations with my lack of skills on her. I mean its not her fault that we didnt click. And I know that. I still think its great that you were empathizing with me, just reading your comment helped me to realize that yes she didnt mean anything by it, and than I took it to the next level by admitting, she didnt even really lie in a conventional sense, I mean she did lie, but you know what I mean, we werent serious or anything, she didnt curse me out, all in all Id say that I over reacted because I was already in a bad place and Sean being in the hospital put a strain on me (I found out the news after returning from seeing Sean for the first time at the hospital). Im still a bit bummed but the magnitude of the emotion has been dulled sufficiently, I attribute that to the good wishes of you all, the improvement of my brothers health, and Buddhism. It feels great to be able to handle my negative states of being in much shorter time spans, before I would have felt like that rant, but over the period of weeks, not just over hours. I think Im finally starting to get the hang of this merry go round. It is the way of humility to undergo what we do. Thanks for reminding me that Im not alone in the experience of having it all and it not being enough. Sometimes I can feel that way. Just having one person remind me that many of us go through that is sobering and helps me to get over the initial funk. Thanks again for all the good wishes and insight.
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