Transformation occurs
Often and (always) when
Least expected.
Don’t you remember?
The sky was perfect
Blue this afternoon
Until the clouds blew
In and everything went
Back to being gray.
Its ok. I will change
Shape and form
A dream; I am an umbrella.
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12 comments:
hmm.. so I could have sworn I commented on this one while I was at work, but I may not have posted it. My boss did come in at the end of the day and start babbling at me about being his friend on facebook and other random crap, so it may just be sitting there on my browser in my cube. Anyway, some form of feedback will be posted tomorrow.
This is all too appropriate for our crappy weather as of late. Very sparse and simple, but I like it. I've noticed some interesting things about your line breaks and phrasing lately (in this one, "blue" beginning one line "blew" ending the next, change/ "shape and form"/ etc). I don't think "flow" is quite the word I'm looking for, but things like that seem to set up a relationship between the lines that adds to the overall piece. Does this make any sense or am I just babbling? hehe
it makes perfect sense, Im trying very hard to create flow with assonance (rhyme within a word) and consonance (beginning sound rhyme) in addition I try to make sure that many words rhyme within the lines so that the piece is more lyrical even if the lines dont end in rhyme. Thanks for noticing, it means Im doing my job.
oh, just to be clear, an example of assonance is with the last stanza, with the sounds ok, change, and shape, all containing the long A sound. (I even snuck in one more long A sound with the word gray at the last line in the previous stanza).
Another example is with Blue and afternoon having the "ew" sound. Or often and always both having the "aw" sound.
Just a few simple lines but a lot of thought goes into it.
by the way, I realize Cyrusse when you mention flow your not referring to rhyme, your talking about coherence of imagery, thanks so much for that huge compliment, Im trying hard to do that as well, all the rhyme information that Ive included was meant to help flow, in addition to, the coherent images. I hope Ive managed to marry the two properly.
on third thought, its not about coherence of image, so much of coherence of diction, of word choice, and those two do relate, but in this case you were referring to my word choice (right?), so thanks for that, damn sorry for going on, I just love the craft.
As for coherence of diction/imagery I think they both effect theme, and in that sense there is no separation between the two. Did you notice that blue also means sad?
Wow, I enjoy the deconstruction. It's a pleasure to get insight into your creative process. I enjoyed this poem, and yes, very applicable to the weather we've been having here in the bay.
Anyways, this is an awesome poem. Thank you for sharing.
ps I've been writing shit load of cover letters so if my tone seems formal. I blame that.
Oh yeah and one other thing, I never thought of an umbrella as an original Transformer until this point.
and just for you Lorigga, I included the anime reference, perfect blue, (the same director as Millennium Actress) its a subtle reference but it was intentional, just one more layer of meaning to add to that word, blue.
wow, smooth...criminal almost...
lmao! Michael Jackson references now?
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