So I had to do another lame poetry exercise were I was forced to use at least 5 sentences from a list of 20 that had the starting item that the metaphor/simile would be targeting and than we had to fill in the blank as to what the item would be compared to. Here are the 5 I choose, it was slim pickings yall trust me, whoever came up with this exercise sucks at poetry! hehe
1.Up is like down when
2.She held her life in her hand as if it were
3.The wino took to coma like
4. A child (blank) in (blank) is like a (blank) in (blank)
5."No, no, a thousand times no" He said, his hand
Strange huh? I was pissed that I had to work with this shit. So I made modifications to make it more personal, I changed pronouns around, but other than that I was stuck with this shit. Believe me if you saw some of the other examples, well heres one: a spider on an old mans beard is like.....damn who the fuck choose that line to include in their poem? Anyways here is what I came up with. Its due today, but if I get feedback before I leave for class I may alter this piece, its just the best I could do for now. haha. Enjoy!
“No, no, a thousand times no”
I said, my hands like Jesus when
He kissed Judas;
Knowingly embracing
My death.
“But I must leave” you
Replied, sitting on the edge of
The bed you checked
Your compact mirror
One last time.
That’s all I ever wanted.
As if in a dream
Up is like down
When I smoked
Your love. But
Everyone knows
That one is never
Enough.
Our relationship reminds me
Of the bum
On the corner of Fifth
And Broadway who you
Would give change to
After we got our fix.
In the end
The wino took to coma
Like a dog greeting his master
When he finally
Comes home.
In those days
You held my life
In your hands as if it were
Grains of sand
Slipping through your fingers.
Even as a man
I was still
A child in school, like a
Baby bird learning to fly;
I needed your discipline.
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4 comments:
Wow, that is a really crappily designed exercise, but what you did with it works better than I could have imagined based on the lines available. Did you leave the tense kind of messed up (the rest is past tense) in "up is like down" on purpose? How do you feel about "We were the bum..." instead of "Our relationship reminds me etc.." It seems to be what you are implying anyway and the current phrasing doesn't seem to fit the flow of the rest of it. I don't know if this is useful, but I have to go to a meeting now, yay...
wow, If only I had read this post on time! oh well, it was just a draft due today anyways. the tense was done on purpose, not sure if it works, but its how it flows in my head.
We were the bum, thats much better! The change has already been made as far as Im concerned, now I just have to wait for my professor to return the draft with her comments. I wouldnt be surprised if she makes the same recommendation that you did, shes good! but anyways, thanks for your help.
Actually, along the same line of reasoning, I'd also suggest removing "as if it were" from "in your hands as if it were/ grains of sand." I think the tense thing with "up is like down" is fine, I just wanted to be sure it was intentional and you hadn't just mistyped something.
I can do that now, but that wasnt an option before, I wasnt allowed to alter the metaphor/similes we were provided and the example you gave me comes from that set. We could only change the pronouns.
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