In response to Lorigga's desire for more.........an edited version of This will always be true!!! BUM BUM BUM! Check it out and please tell me if its better or worse, thats real important to me because I dont frequently edit my work and Id like to know how I did. Enjoy.
All the planets align
It’s the Master design
To expand all our minds
If you seek you will find
This is our special time
Learn the reason for rhyme
Be yourself at your prime
Gods the mountain you climb
Each step close to divine
Like the sun always shine
Feel this brilliance of mine
Helps you see when your blind
There is only one crime
If you don’t even try
Try to jump and you’ll fly
We are light; we can’t die
I was told in a dream
Share the things you believe
Old words told by the stream
Give them up to receive
It’s the least I can do
There’s no me without you
Like the sky being blue
This will always be true
The original is still included here please remember the original was written in under 5 minutes.
All the planets aligned
That’s how they were designed
To expand all our minds
If you search you will find
This is our special time
Learn the reason for rhyme
Be yourself at your prime
Gods the mountain you climb
Each step close to divine
Like the sun always shine
Feel this brilliance of mine
Helps you see when your blind
It’s the least I can do
There’s no me without you
Like the sky being blue
This will always be true
7 comments:
I'll be honest here. I genuinely like it. I feel there's a direct message about the inevitability associated with transiting planets and lessons being learned as we progress in our spiritual lives. That being said, there's something lacking. I'm not sure what exactly. But I can't help but feel there's one extra ingredient that needs to be added. Like one extra spice to give it that final kick. Definitely on to something though.
well considering I wrote it in under 5 minutes and I chose to put it here without absolutely any editing I could see why it might be lacking. Its just a blurb, not finished by any means. Glad you like whats included. None of the pieces here in the cup are finished accept for the McDonalds Poem. I hope to edit some at a later point. Just always busy.
Merry Xmas.
Big improvement! The edited one is better for sure, but like you said, the original only took 5 mins. The edit seems more solid a piece. Good job =D
I say improvement too. It seems like a more finished thought now. The first version is good for being spewed out in 5 min though.
yep you got it
good shit man.
I hope I didn't come off critical or anything. I just know that sometimes it's hard to get an honest response from people.
But then again, that second one is pretty awesome, so I'm glad you edited it! It packs a punch and just drives the point home.
You were not too critical at all! You were just right. If I ever felt that I didnt like your advice, I just wouldnt follow it and leave it at that. In this case, as usual, you were on to something and your refusal to accept an unfinished product propelled me to finish it. Good job bro. Thanks for the feedback all. I also feel that the second piece is much more round, or full. It still may not be finished, but its much closer now.
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