Emptiness

Jesus has a very special love for you," she assured Van der Peet. "[But] as for me, the silence and the emptiness is so great, that I look and do not see, — Listen and do not hear — the tongue moves [in prayer] but does not speak ...

This is a quote taken from a letter that Mother Teresa wrote to a confidant. For much of the last few years I to have been plagued with the emptiness. Yet for me I have channels and outlets to escape the feelings. I wrote this poem about emptiness the other day because I was stuck in it and wanted a window out. I figured if I put it in a physical space I could step out of it. It worked very well. Much better than drugs ever did. Than the next day I read this article in Time magazine about private letters found after Mother Teresa died in which she discussed her struggle with her faith, and her even greater struggle with "the emptiness/darkness"
here is a link to a website discussing the article.
http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1655415,00.html

I to have used both of those very same terms to describe my own state of being. I found the connections to be paramount and I have seen it as a sign from God that others to struggled with this spiritual complex, and in much more extreme ways. It seems I am in good company. You know, I personally have looked at many of things that she wrote and I do not feel that it proves that she was faithless, to me it just shows how for some people faith is all we have, at times we have no love in our hearts or reason for believing that love is being exerted back on us by a higher power, its just faith. Yet I feel actions speak louder than words, and this women led an amazing life of selflessness and sacrifice, if it took her suffering so she could be capable of producing such wonderful acts of kindness than I think shed say it was worth it. In fact I know she made her peace with her role as the dark saint. She wrote.
"If I ever become a Saint — I will surely be one of 'darkness.' I will continually be absent from Heaven — to [light] the light of those in darkness on earth"

I can almost see her light. Guiding me out of my darkness. God bless all the saints.


(disclaimer:I am not sad. This is something I have dealt with for many years. A few days ago it hit me bad and I begun this poem. Tonight Im just getting it all out of me for respect of the original sentiment, but the feelings it stemmed from are no longer with me. In fact Ive been very cheerful for most of today. Just so you know, Im fine, I just need to get this out there. I hope to come back to this poem and improve on it when my mood is more melancholy because I fear my cheery disposition makes it hard to finish the poem with the respect it deserves, I just dont got the imagery because Im not in the head space. Lucky for me!)

Emptiness
It eats away at you bit by bit
Like how the sun fades the color of rocks over time
It creeps on your heart slowly and silently
It does not announce its coming approach
No, instead it waits in silence until your least suspecting
When everything is going right
When everything is going on schedule
When everything is in order
Than it creeps up on you
It’s your shadow following you in the dead of the night
Or the stillness of the morning
People walking by on the street and their faces are blank
Put the mask on again and they can’t even see you
They mean nothing to you
Nothing does
Emptiness
It knows who to prey on and when to do so
It never creeps up on people in love
They have so much to combat it with
Laughter and love and security and comfort redirect its efforts
No, it preys on those of us who are alone
No matter how happy we are with our lives
No matter how content we are with our solitude
No matter how secure we are in our faith
It creeps up into ones soul, climbs inside of us like a fucking parasite, it knows its host, it has fed on this one so many times before now.
The first thing it does is make one ask questions
Not questions that one is normally inclined to make when they have love in their heart
Questions like, Am I happy? Am I doing what Im supposed to be doing? Can I carry this burden without someone to share it with? Is this what the Creator intended for me?
And so on and so on
It creeps up and destroys ones ego, it feeds off insecurity, and it bathes in sadness
It uses melancholy like a magician uses smoke
It’s the nothing in this story that never ends
The nothing, the absence of life, of feeling, of being
It needs you to be completely alone so it can begin to take hold
Emptiness
What to do once it has dug its talons into your heart?
Some may choose to fill the void with drugs or violence or sex, but it has insatiable appetite and can not be filled with mortal desires.
The more you seek to be free of it the more it tries to distort your perception so it can remain a part of you, so it can become you
It refuses to be rid of its new host until it has completely drained the entity of all life, love, and light
Fucking turns the light into darkness, I cant find a door knob on any of the thousands of doors I run by in this never ending purgatory of sadness that I stumbled into while the lights were out.
Only in this carnival when you look in the mirror your reflection doesn’t stretch or distort, the image becomes crystal clear but you don’t recognize the face at all, it’s the eyes, they are hallow now…..
Some may choose to ignore the emptiness with distractions like drama, work, or ideology.
But there is no ignoring the demons that run through ones mind
No matter how far you run it will give chase
How the fuck does one escape one’s own shadow?
Only in the dark
And even some may choose to take the easiest route away
They jump off buildings, slit wrists, load up needles with a triple dose of Satan, put guns in their mouths and as they pull the trigger they feel a release, a sigh of relief, finally, the Emptiness is gone, and all that’s left is Life
The way it should be
Its so quiet here
Everything is so still
Without doubt or faith
Where does emptiness come from?
Is it real?
Is this Hell real?
All that’s left of me now is my hallowed out shell