The first version (yesterday)
In my life time I have seen
Many ups and many downs
I have lost most everything
Still I wear a golden crown
I have heard the angels sing
Without making any sound
But my halo isn’t clean
I once slept upon the ground
In the heart of the city
I lost her amongst the crowd
She was waiting just for me
I was just to fucking proud
Even after everything
I still have my jet black wings
I can fly away
The second version (written after some reflection and some long deep breaths)
In my life time I have seen
Many ups and many downs
Gave my heart up to a queen
But she could not see my crown
I hid it so I could be
Laughing always like a clown
In spite of the tragedy
I am always higher bound
But my feathers are not clean
I once slept upon the ground
In the heart of the city
What was lost could not be found
They have taken everything
But they can not have my wings
(Black Crow must remember Steve
Time to fly away….)
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6 comments:
its one of the more serious poems Ive tried to write in a while. it means so much to me. Im not quite there with it yet, but I want to get something out, just for my sanity.
Man revision is so important! The second version is way tighter than the first! The last two lines kind of abruptly change the flow though. Was that intentional?
I'm sort of partial to the "jet black wings" line, but I think that's just because it reminds me of something I wrote back in the day. I like where you seem to be heading; the revision still carries similar sentiments, but more elegantly. Keep up the good work, and keep your sanity please. =)
Ill try my best to overcome all obstacles, as for the lat 2 lines yes they are supposed to stop the flow, I did that for my safety, and it may not remain that way, but for last night I needed to put the breaks on the imagery because it was too painful to continue to delve into. The line Black Crow must remember Steve is a direct message for myself to stop writing the poem, to come back down to ego, because sometimes tapping into "feelings" or "super conscious" as I like to call it, is dangerous at times without a curb, or escape route out. Time to fly away is not a reference to spiritual growth, its a sign for me to escape the truth, which is not good!, but it was an honest expression of where I was at at the time. time to fly away is almost a drug reference, but it doesnt have to be, there are so many ways to escape, perhaps it means going to the gym, or watching t.v., but for me it just means I need to stop being so hyper aware so that I can just indulge my ego for a bit before this curtain falls.
well how bout:
But they can not have my jet black wings
then it's a longer line that breaks up the flow of the rest and has a sense of finality to it along with a crow reference. and you get a +2 bonus to diplomacy rolls against cyrusse. hehe.
but they can not have my jet black wings is even more awkward phrasing than I tend to go for, I have some pretty awkward phrases, no no, there's no point in me dissecting this poem to fit a feeling that I had last night, Ill come back to it at a later point when its the right time to finish it, and in the right way. this poem deserves nothing less.
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