Control
The sickest thing is that I miss that control
When I was snorting a line of cocaine or smoking a run of heroin off of foil
I had that control
I felt that exhilarating rush that I had done it again
I had cheated death and life
I was feeling that sweet rush of my own death and no one could do anything about it
Society, my peers, my family, even God could not stop me
I knew that I was cutting myself so desperately short and I loved it because no one could stop me
Not even myself
Control
I reached a point when it became easier to just let you take control
You were moving my hands and lips to eek out a facade of humanness so that I could satiate your ravenous desires
The cold empty state in my heart, that void, the lack of love and light allowed you to take over my mind
But never without my consent
I was actively taking a back seat to the darkness
I was choosing to let chaos destroy everything that I had accumulated over all my adult life
It was the best part of the high
The control
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Control revisted
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2 comments:
I really like this control theme and the consistent feeling of perceiving to be on total control but manipulated at the same time.
You ever think about taking part in a spoken word poetry session? I would love to hear you read this one. I could see you saying a line, then emphasizing the Control. Just a thought.
Ive thought about it but my general impression of the poetry scene these days is that its far to fake and influenced by wannabe "def poet jam" hip hop Saul Williams, that just cant pull it off! In fact, He is the only one I like that does that. Yet Ive seen it before, and most of what Ive seen of poetry being read involved that element that took away from the poetry in my opinion. The aspect of "showing off" or having the best flow sometimes seemed to me to over shadow the content of the poem. Where it became much less about what was being said, and more about how it was being said. And thats cool, just superficial, and not why I write or read poetry. However, Im sure my experiences are narrow and perhaps I should go seeking further for poetry being read by people who dont fucking think that they are the next Eminem. I hope that makes sense. Im open, but jaded, Id have to find a place that I was comfortable in. Than again, there is always the whole fuck it all whatever, or wherever, when I say my poetry I mean it, I get it, I guess thats all that matters.
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