Well, it is done. I dropped Vicki off at the airport yesterday at around noon. We said goodbye and are now in the process of changing our relationship from deep, intense, and intimate, to one of caring, loving, friends.
These last couple of day (well, months, honestly) have been a time of deep reflection, analysis, pain, happiness, and contemplation.
It's been emotionally taxing at best. To "throw it all out there" would be to create a twisted, thought-flow of a post which would make any one of Steves posts looks like a footnote (speaking in size strictly...not really in meaning...). So I'd like to just sum up conclusions I've drawn from my experiences.
I'm a different person. I'm essentially more confident and capable of engaging in conflict when necessary. I honk when I drive, I can look people straight in the eye regardless of circumstance, I'll stand up and clap for a performance I've enjoyed regardless of the crowds response.
Living with Vicki wasn't the sole source of my changes either. My knee started grinding and forced me to consistently work out and ultimately showed me the necessity of living in my body, blocking thoughts while working out and really existing in a grounded space. I've been living a "meaningful" life. One in which I try to distill the messages constantly being communicated to me from the universe via my day to day experiences.
Steve's emotional turbulence couldn't have come at a better time. Over the last few days one of my consistent fears has been the desire to NOT return to my emotionally erratic state in junior high and high school. I can deeply relate to Steve's intense desire for a relationship as well as the emotional backlash from rejection. Granted, his experiences are quite different from my own but there's a lot there for me to relate to.
For example, over the summer I went home and looked at some of my old drawing. They disturbed me. So much so that I decided to leave them there for now, I didn't want to bring them here for occasional glancing. One in particular depicts a large 12-14 year old boy biting the head off of a much smaller fragile peer. The large boy's eyes stare up at the observer with a fierce intensity, a rage at the world. I couldn't believe I was capable of conveying such emotions at such a young age.
Steve's posts took me back to that head space. Reminded me of my troubled times growing up and being single, and helped me see that I am finally over it. I used to think I had a creative tap into Darkness.
When I would draw, I could bring forth images ugly grotesque monstrosities. As I was drawing I would literally visualize pulling material from a dark hole in my soul.
Like Steve, I wouldn't necessarily feel better after making those drawings. Sometimes they would be therapeutic. And more recently I've been able to let out emotions through art. But there is a creative place which for me which is just dark and makes for excellent drawing, but only drains me.
And now, after much introspection, I've seen that things will be different. So much more different. A couple of months ago when I first told you guys Vicki and I were splitting, I expressed my fear of returning to my old self to Steve. Steve's got a great intuition and his response (although he wasn't sure why he was saying it) was that he felt, in his gut, that I probably wouldn't go back. Thanks for that.
He was right and I feel it.
Every interaction with each of you over these last couple of months, every post on this blog, every random lunch meeting, every late night chill session has been pivotal in helping me understand my changes as well as provide excitement for the future.
I now view all my personal relationships as plants that need to be tended and nurtured. People are important. And any that I meet hold meaning to me. Technology really makes it easier to maintain relationships with people. For you guys, we have this blog. For all my acquaintances from Cal I have facebook. Friends and family, thats where I hope to project my energies as we move along. It's in my chart. My rising sign is Cancer, the sign of the chef and family man. It represents the traits I need to adopt and express. I've known that in an intellectual way for years...but not until now have I experienced gratification from actually living it.
To help express the deep gratitude I have for all your friendships and just how much I value all the sharing. I wanted to contribute what was probably one of the heaviest drawings I've made. Some of you may have seen this drawing although I know I haven't shown it to very many people. It was in the St. Josephs ICU. What else do you have to do when a loved one is lying on a bed, drugged up, in pain, and you want to just be around them. You cry, you whisper to others present, you contemplate. This was a therapy sketch. I had to capture the moment in my own way. Well...here:
